Hopelessly Drowning

Chapter 13

I stared at the stack of pancakes sitting on the plate in front of me, my stomach churning as I watched the golden syrup slowly drip down the sides. The thought of food made me even more nauseous than I already was.

"Nervous?" Riley questioned from beside me, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded, pushing the plate away and sinking down into my chair.

"Don't worry, I was really nervous on my first day at this new school too. But you are super friendly and nice so you will make plenty of friends!"

I just nodded, unbelieving. I anxiously picked at my fingers, pulling back the skin of my cuticles and relishing in the sharp sting that followed. Red bloomed against my pale skin, seeping into the grooves of my nail. The pain provided a momentary distraction.

I could feel the nerves getting worse, my body felt feverish, my stomach almost ached with the anxiety coursing through me. School would be yet another place I didn't belong. I swallowed. It would be yet another place where I would be unwanted, a burden on those who did belong.

"Lizzy...Lizzy!" Riley placed a hand on top of mine stopping me from further mutilating my fingers. She gave me a knowing look before standing up from the breakfast table, and holding a hand out to me.

"Come on, we are going to miss the bus!" She said, tapping her foot impatiently against the floor. I winced as I stood up from my chair, grabbing the plain black backpack that I had leaned against one of the legs.

"Let's go, let's go!" Riley's voice was excited as she grabbed her own backpack off the floor, slinging it across her shoulder.

Riley almost dragged me to the front door, practically bouncing with excitement at the prospect of seeing all of her friends. I paused at the entryway glancing nervously back at the house. I could feel the sense of safety it had come to provide over the last few days melt away around me, leaving me vulnerable to the dauntingly cruel world I had the displeasure of knowing for the last few years of my life.

I hesitated to limp over the threshold, every instinct in me screaming to retreat, to hide. The fear of shattering the delicate glass bubble of safety and comfort around me kept me from moving forward. This house, this life, the feeling of food in my stomach, the feeling of safety, it all felt like a dream. One that would slip away at any moment, a false refuge that would only leave me worse off than I started. I felt that the moment I stepped out of this house, stepped out of this fantasy, it would disappear as if reminding me that I was never meant to have it in the first place.

But just like I had done once before I jumped, jumped with the belief that if I woke up from this that was never meant to be mine the mere memory would be enough.

******

The bus reeked of feet. The pungent odor surrounded me like a cloud, making me scrunch up my nose in disgust. I fiddled with the straps of my backpack, only half-listening to the multitude of conversations happening around me.

"I heard from Carla that Jacob likes you!"

"I forgot my English essay...Mr. Whitman is going to kill me!"

"Get your f**king feet off of me, idiot. Go kiss your girlfriend or something."

"I can't go on the ski trip, my mom said that we need to have family time this Christmas or some s**t like that."

Their conversations seemed so normal, so easy. They sounded so foreign. It was like I was an alien, the snippets of life I was witnessing were different in every way from my own.

****

"Here is your schedule, your first class is English in room 214. Lunch is at 11:55, and the cafeteria is in the Grant building."