The computer program

16. Tobirama's heart

The room they gave Tobirama was a simple resting room with a bed and a bathroom. The door was locked with a guard outside.

"This is the most private home I've ever had", Tobirama said with a sad smile, sitting down on the bed.

I was unsmiling, standing just inside the door, looking at him with disbelief in my eyes, unable to comprehend what was happening.

Tobirama noticed.

"Izuna..." he said.

"I hate him", I said through gritted teeth, surprised at how steady my voice was despite the tears that threatened to drench me. "I hate him."

"I know", Tobirama said. "But he's not relevant at this point. I would have been deemed dangerous at one point or other. It was inevitable. This was inevitable."

"Why can't I have anything?!" I suddenly screamed, not at the man in front of me but at the world, at the universe. "I keep losing everything and it's not even my decision! Losing Hashi wasn't! And losing you isn't! I want one thing and that's some fucking autonomy!"

Tobirama was quiet, not protesting what I said. Instead, he patted the place next to him on the bed, wanting me to come sit with him.

I went over, sat, hid my face in my hands as he pulled me towards his chest.

And finally, it dawned on me.

It dawned on me what was happening, that they were going to destroy Tobirama and thus the man that was him and that he would disappear, forever.

I cried and I cried and I cried, leaning against Tobirama's chest as he held me close, murmuring words of comfort, kissing my head.

He made his heart beat for me.

The ethics board had set it up so that they would be on the phone with Tobirama the human body in the room, while destroying Tobirama the computer program in Hashirama's lab.

This way, we would be ready. Or, at least know when it would happen; I don't think we could ever be ready. 

We were alone, him and I, him on his back on the bed, me laying on his chest, listening to his beating heart. Neither of us felt like fucking; there were cameras and mics in the room, we'd been informed. Also, we needed the connection of our souls that, in this moment, could be provided better this way than through sex.

He caressed my head, quietly, while I just breathed, also quietly. My mind was a whirlpool, and I was desperate to draw him into it, but I didn't want to pester his last moments in life.

"Izuna", he said. "Speak your mind."

He was a mind reader like that. I thought of the many times we'd sat on top of that hill, just talking, how impressed I'd been at his intuition, how I hadn't cared whether it was mechanical or not because it was him, and whatever it was it would still be him.

"None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so weak. If I hadn't been so obsessed with him." I couldn't even bring myself to say his filthy name. 

Tobirama lifted my face up so he could look me into the eyes. The empty hole created within me when I could no longer hear his heart was soon filled with the beauty of his face.

He spoke.

"I need you to listen to me very, very closely", he said. I had never seen his face so serious. "You aren't weak, Izuna. He didn't even give me a chance to protest. "You aren't weak. You fell in love with the man, and once he treated you badly, you were desperate to see some good within him. People like you are rare. You want to see the good in everyone. Just look at me!" He was grabbing my face at this point, looking at me so intensely, it felt as though he tried to burn the words his mouth spoke into the back of my eyes. Tears were streaming down my face as I grabbed his wrists for support. "I'm a fucking computer program! And you make me feel more alive than any human has ever felt because that's the effect you have on me, Izuna!"