Struggling with an Ed

21.

major tw for vomiting/lax abuse/ binging this chapter!!

*I am NOT recommending this to anyone at all or saying that this is a good thing to do at all, please do not do anything I am doing. this will literally ruin your organs and will give you long- term problems *

I binged again today

I can't really blame anything for the reason of my binge today it was just me being stupid

I haven't binged this bad since my month long binge, I mean I didn't binge this time for a month long but I did binge multiple times today.

I'm disgusted by it and I know everyone who reads this is too.

almost immediately after I binged the first time I went to my room and took a shit ton of laxatives, I was literally just guzzling it down. I think maybe the second time I binged today was because I freaked out seeing that the laxatives would take a couple days to work.

The second time I binged was because I had started guzzling down salt water and using food to block out the taste and I remember I kept saying to myself that because I'm drinking this I'm just going to shit it out so it won't matter if I have more food.

I was very wrong!!

after both things did not work after 5 hours I had become so upset and craving food but not even hungry I went to the kitchen "just to get water" but no I didn't just get water instead I got a bowl of cereal, a popsicle, a banana and fruit snacks. I didn't want half the shit I even ate I was so disgusted by the food but I still ate it.

I didn't really know what to do after that, I freaked out so much and I was just so upset.

the shame I feel every time I leave that kitchen after binging is terrible, every single time I always leave with my back hunched and me holding my stomach with the most empty look.

its so draining

I didn't stop after just binging though.

I hadn't purged in a while from seeing that article about the girl dying over the toilet from purging after binging so much. I was freaked the fuck out because I always think that's going to happen to me if I purge after binging a shit ton so Ive just been using laxatives

today I had decided not to freak the fuck out and just do it because I literally couldn't stand having that much food all stuck in my stomach.
The feeling of all that food in your stomach just sloshing around is absolutely disgusting and so uncomfortable.

people pick different things as their "poison", today mine was the toothbrush.

I hate the feeling it gives you in the beginning but after a couple times of heaving and throwing up the first little things, it feels so much better

the relief it gives me, oh my god

the feeling of all your food just coming out and leaving your stomach is literally like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders

my favorite part is getting that huge amount of it out and it all coming out in one time.
I literally feel like a cat sometimes when I'm throwing up because it sounds like I'm choking out a hairball or something.

its pretty scary though.

the anxiety I get from thinking I hear my mom coming or her coming into my room while in the middle of purging is terrifying.
One time she literally did come in and I don't know how but she didn't even notice because she was looking in the other direction of where I was puking my guts out.

the worst part was that when she left, I purged again.

Its pretty fucking disgusting though.
the puke and spit getting all over my fingers, the tears and snot running down my face while gagging on the toothbrush. pretty fucking gross if you ask me

god and the smell

I made myself smell it for so long one time just so I could puke more and I literally did

I always know when I've purged enough because my throat hurts so fucking much after and my voice gets so croaky and scratchy and I have to drink so much water just to relieve the burning

it scares the absolute shit of me when my body like practically convulses while I'm throwing up and I can feel my stomach shooting the food back up and out of my mouth. I can hear it most of the time.

the feeling after it though is the absolute worst.

I always get the worst headache and the loud ass music that plays so no one can hear me makes it so much worse. I always have to  rush to turn it off so my headache doesn't get a whole lot worse than it already was.

god and the burning in my throat and that awful taste of my puke is the worst.

after binging I feel so drained and exhausted but after purging the feeling is so much worse. My eyes most likely puffy from crying while gagging, my throat raw and sore, my head feeling like its splitting in two, and the feeling of being so exhausted and drained from having to just empty your guts out.

and the guilt.

after this whole ordeal I still feel guilty for binging in the first place

and then for even having to empty my guts out

and then all those negative thoughts saying I deserve it and that I'm disgusting and I need to do this more often to punish myself for eating.

sometimes I take pictures of myself when I get finished from purging or binging and its scary seeing myself

I get the same look every time,

empty

drained

I look exhausted, the dark circles under my eyes more prominent than ever before, and my eyes drooping lower from being so tired of all this

I swear I look like I'm just pleading for help

pleading for someone to tell me I'm not fat

pleading for someone to help me with this awful shit

pleading for happiness