𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗦 ? (wlw)

⚘᠂ 𝗙𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗦

alina dormer
|     𝗙𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗦    |
#.     018

𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗟𝗔𝗠 of the front door sent a shiver through my spine which eventually took over my whole body. The silence of the room now made the breath that I was holding, release with a lot more force. I kept my eyes on where she used to be, almost still seeing her. I shook my head and tried blinking away my anger, yet my body was still dripping with it. I wasn't thinking at all in that moment really. I just felt kind've...away. Like I was looking at myself from somewhere else in the room.

I moved away slightly, now turning back to my bed where I continued to fold clothes and place them into the box. I just needed a distraction really. And this was the distraction I chose. Well, it was either that or start crying. I tried keeping my mind occupied onto the colour of my clothes or the type of fabric it was. I even looked at the hanging threads and took a note of sewing them. The blueness in my jeans was quite dark, this would be best to pair with a much darker outfit rather than a bright and colourful one.

I began folding up my cream cardigan but I felt a lot more strain while doing it this time. I was blinking a little faster now as I picked up the knitted piece of clothing and tried navigating the box. I say navigating because my vision was blurry and it was harder for me to see things clearly now. My blinks weren't recovering my vision, strangely enough, and I had to find the box through the fuzziness. I placed it inside although my hands hadn't let it go. They instead rested on top of it where I was now almost hunched over and my eyes were shut.

The next thing I managed to understand was the loud sob that had crawled it's way out of my mouth. Then there was the sniff and then the gasp, until there was a stream of tears flowing down my cheeks. I pulled my hands out of the box and seemingly caved in on myself as I sunk to the floor, now weeping into my hands.

It was a mixture of everything. But I believed that the reason I was in such a state was fuelled by my own self. I didn't know how to describe it but I just felt so lost. I had been hit with a wave of everything that had happened and it felt like my body was getting a beating for it.

I felt so sick. I didn't know how to fix the situation and I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I didn't even know how I was going to fix me. I just felt so repulsed by myself. I was making choices without knowing if I actually even wanted them. I was going to hurt someone either way and it was killing me. I'd already hurt Ellie and even though I was still so angry, I regretted the way I spoke to her. I regretted everything at this point. It all just felt like it was my fault. And I couldn't handle that.

I grieved into my hands, it was a hard cry. I didn't want to call it a breakdown but it was. It wasn't helping the situation at all but I felt so helpless that it was all I could do. I felt like I'd lost everything. I hated myself so much. I didn't know how to deal with it all. Every second I felt a different thing and it was all rushing through me like a fucking bomb.

I lifted my head, everything now cloudy. I wiped at my eyes and brushed my hands across my nose. I looked around the room, not for anything particular, however, I did spot something that caught my eye. I spotted the black first and then the lace, then all I spotted was the way it sat on her body. I saw the way her boobs rested in it and how fucking good the lace highlighted the deepness of her cleavage.

I saw the ceiling after that as a harsh sigh coated my teeth and my head had fallen back against the top of the bed. I hoped I'd find safety in the ceiling but all I found was the curve of her waist that I remembered running my hand down. I could actually feel the delicacy of her skin all over again. I yanked my head off the bed, now dropping my face into my hands as frustration pummelled through my blood.