TASM Peter Parker Imagines

For So Long

The grave is not welcoming as of late, but then again cold stone never is. Your tears don't quite dry, but then again they never do. You should be used to this now, you think, or at least have found a way to get a better hold of yourself before now, but even after all of this time, one look at Peter Parker's headstone is all it takes for you to break.

It wasn't fair, how he died. It wasn't right. Peter Parker, your wonderful Peter, the one who would walk miles with you to your car just to make sure you would get home safely, the very boy who would watch science fiction movies with you just to critique their realism, should have lived a very long and very thrilling life. He deserved awards, praise, hundreds of friends just as devoted to him as you are.

You're certain that he did, or at least that all of that came posthumously. You know the funeral service was packed full of people who wanted to talk about him, but all you could think about was that they never managed it while he was alive. Then again, perhaps your ire was misdirected in the hopes of sparing you some of the burn. After all, you're the reason Peter is dead, aren't you?

In the end, you didn't save him when he needed it the most, and that's on you. As the resident Spider-Woman, it's your job to take care of those in need, to protect the city and take down threats before they can grow into problems. You've managed it for years, but when it came down to it, you couldn't save your boyfriend.

Distantly, you wonder if he can see you now, if he blames you for what happened half as much as you blame yourself. The fight that day should have been an easy one, just another run of the mill bad guy with some freak twist that decided to make your life difficult yet again.

The problems started when the resident bad guy started showing off his latest inhuman abilities, then Peter stumbled into the thick of things. He shouldn't have been there, he was supposed to be across town at a conference, but one minute you were ducking for cover in an attempt to reload your web shooters and the next moment you had a picture perfect few of a New York villain bearing down on your boyfriend.

You remember that day vividly, as if you saw it on a movie theater-type big screen instead of with your own eyes. You can still feel the pull of your muscles as you threw yourself across the alleyway just in time to push Peter out of the way. You grabbed him and swung to a nearby alley, and once you were out of imminent danger you were shouting at him about what the hell he was doing there.

Peter had a snappy answer, he always did, but you could tell he was stunned by what had just happened. It was a very close call, and you thought it would be the closest he would get. The issue was that you were distracted with figuring out just why Peter was there instead of how to get him out of there. You were looking him, and you had the perfect view of his face as Peter got hit by an energy blast from the same guy you were supposed to be fighting.

The inhuman had aimed at you, but missed just perfectly and the blast ricocheted into Peter as well. You could feel the heat of the blast just under your arm, but Peter caught it straight in the chest. You watched the light fade from his eyes in one breath. One breath and he was gone, and you were more alone than you had ever been in your entire life.

It destroyed you. That was months ago, and you're still some fragile wreck who can't see a happy couple without being swamped by her own devastation. You took down the inhuman that killed Peter, but that doesn't make you feel any better. The only person left to blame is yourself, and you've certainly got enough run time on that self loathing to make it last a lifetime.

One thing and one thing alone can possibly start to make the guilt less severe, and that's your time as Spider-Woman. You were already fairly active on your nightly patrols, but ever since Peter died, it's become your life. You go out in your suit morning and night, hour after hour. Your boss complained that you were taking too much time off, so you went out even more and started fudging your times in the logbook. Your family wants to see you more often, you make up excuses. Nothing matters like this does.