THIS GIRL

1|

(Fall 2014)

"How's my girl doing this morning? Are you excited?" "Thrilled, dad."

Today is my first day back at school since I dropped out three months ago. I technically haven't missed more than a month of junior year because I dropped out right before summer break. I realized I was a complete idiot for dropping out but I had my reasons, now I'm on my way back to the only school that actually let me attend. It's not the original school I had been going to with my friends but I'm trying to be up for the challenge. I'm not sure how it will turn out but I hope I can just make it through the day.

I keep making sure to take deep breaths, it's easy for me to forget to breathe. My heart is already racing and I'm only twenty steps from home.

The bus only takes about three minutes to get to the stop near my house by the time I get there. I'm taking the public bus because, honestly, I don't know where the school bus picks everyone up. At least I'm not the only school goer on the bus.

If I weren't anxious enough there are no seats open or anything to grip onto so I'm forced to hold the edge of a seat and wobble the whole way to school. The worst part is that the seat I'm holding onto is only being occupied by a backpack.

I would leave my backpack there too if there wasn't a person who needed a seat. Except the boy who I assumed it belonged to had his hood up and I could vaguely hear the music coming from his earbuds. He just tuned out the world and I was intrigued by something so little.

The bus stops in front of my new school, my heart is racing, I feel my face burning up, sweat coming to the surface of my forehead and cupids bow.

I want to run back into the bus but my legs are moving towards the school. What am I doing? I can't do this.

"Emma, you've witnessed death, you can manage walking into an English class." I say to myself multiple times from the short walk from the bus to into the school and to the Language building.

***

I'm already exhausted and it's only been the first half of the day but it's lunch time and I'm starving.

I sit down in the hallway in the building of my next class and pull out my lunch from my backpack. As I'm opening my prepackaged salad with two hard boiled eggs, that dad bought me, I see the backpack from the kid on the bus walking passed me. I knew it was the same guy because the backpack had the same iron on band patches as bus boys'. He glances over at me quickly.

Oh my God.

(Summer 2011)

"So have you thought about going to the fair today with your friends?" "Not really." "Emma that wasn't so much a question as it was my telling you, you have to go." "It was a question, dad." "I'm telling you now, you're going, your friends are outside waiting. If you don't get out of your room in two minutes I'll let them come in and drag you out."

Last night my friends/neighbors came over and asked my dad if he'd let me go to the fair tomorrow as a goodbye for one of our neighbors who is moving back to Marfa, Texas where he's from originally.

I'm not sure why they asked my dad instead of me but either way I don't want to go. I'm not great at goodbyes considering my mom died a few months ago, two exactly, and I haven't left the house since. Which is probably why I'm being forced to go to start with.

My friends from across the street Calla, Chloë and Sophia, they're sisters, thought it would be fun to go to the fair with Ryan who has only lived here for the summer with his sister, who rents my neighbors guest appartment/suite. He's leaving in three days and they barely know him. I barely know him. It just seems like they're doing this to get me to leave the house. Especially since I think he's really cute.