THIS GIRL

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"Hey, what happened to your forehead?" Ryan says sitting next to me outside, this time on a bench near the baseball field during third period. Apparently that's when he has P.E, I was just trying to not die of a cough attack in front of everyone in class so I came outside to breathe. "What?" I have no idea what he was talking about. "Yesterday you didn't have that bruise." He touches my forehead. "OH! Yeah I totally forgot about that." I didn't even know it had bruised already. "What happened?" he presses for my answer but it's embarrassing to say aloud. "Nothing, I just bruise easily." But really I wasn't paying attention walking down the hall when some girl opened her locker this morning and I crashed into it.

"Note to self: only touch Emma gently." Ryan says completely destroying me with those few words.

"Do you feel better now?" He says. "I don't know I'm super drugged up on cough syrup." I laugh. "You should've stayed home." he says. Except I couldn't. For the first time in a long time I couldn't stand the thought of home, even school sounded better.

"So I might have mentioned to the girls that you're back in town, you remember them right? We're going to a concert in Thousand Oaks on Friday night. The band is Vomits Pit, not sure if you know of them. And well I don't know the drive is sort of long do you want to go with me?" The girls made a deal with their parents and are going to take their own car if they go to school everyday this week. They're planning to make a day of it and I only want to go see the show since I don't know if I'm quite ready to have a full on anxiety ridden day. "What time would we leave?" he says. "Around seven thirty..." "I can do that."

***

It's around seven and time to get ready since Ryan will be here any minute. I lay out my clothes for the night, a black dress and thin black nylons to go under.

Ryan knocks and I'm still trying to wiggle into my nylons, which is almost impossible with damp shower legs.

"Come in." I shout running towards the front door.

"Hey!" I say. "Hey. What's wrong?" He says. "Uh nothing?" "Are you sure?" "Let me grab my boots and then we can go." I say. "Your eyes are all red." He follows me into my room.

I didn't know her very well. As a kid, I would sleep over with my cousins at her house. She's always just been there. Never really talked much, she didn't really know who we were (Alzheimer's). She always just asked if we wanted a soda. Aside from that she'd just sit on the couch and quietly watch TV.

She always had a smile on her face. I only ever saw her cry once, at mom's funeral.

Dad went to visit her now. I just can't seem to work up the courage to go see her or the need to be there for the rest of the family, there's so many of them.

God, I can't even say us. Them.

I thought it'd be a good idea to agree on go to the show to get my mind off the fact that my grandma's dying. I don't want to accept that soon we're going to have to burry mom's mom right next to her.

I can't go through another death even if I didn't know her that well.

I need today.

I sit on the vanity since Ryan is on my bed and put on my boots.

He's staring at me, a smile comes across his face. "What?" I say. His smile gets bigger "Nothing." He says.

I'm rummaging through my closet for a jacket and pull out two contenders. His eyes still trained on me. "Stop staring at me." I throw the closest thing to me at him, a lipstick. "Mocha-licious will suit me so well, thank you for the gift. It was so nice of you." He jokes. "Shut up and let's go."