THIS GIRL

12|

Today is graduation day. Mine and Calla's are at the same time so I won't get to see her graduate which really sucks. Both of our families are going to dinner together afterwards though.

I'm wearing the white dress I bought homecoming shopping under my black graduation gown. I bought a pair of black strappy heels this morning to go with my dress.

I quickly eat lunch and start getting ready for the ceremony. My makeup is the same as it is always is, simple with winged eyeliner and some bronzer. I leave my hair down and natural since the cap will ruin it anyways.

I'm ready to go. Calla and her family are getting in their car at the same time dad, Natalia and I am. I'm so nervous. All the work I've done to subside my anxiety before it starts and quicker when it hits is all out the window.

The veins in my temples are throbbing so hard I feel my eyes throb too. There's tiny needles in my legs but we're here and it's time to get out of the car. I feel off balance and jittery but excited. I can't wait for this to be over and to move on with my life.

Dad and Natalia go take their seats in the bleachers.

I'm waiting in my spot in line as we all practiced waiting for the music to start so we can all walk in glamorized circles to our seats in the middle of the football field.

The music starts playing. We all start walking, we practiced this walk for a week and Ryan only showed up once.

We take our seats and immediately have to stand back up while the choir sings the school song. Sitting back down the principal gives the statistics of how many of us are going to college and so on. An assistant principal gives a speech and so do both class president and vice president.

Then comes the name calling. My nerves are building and building. Why does my last name have to be towards the end of the alphabet?

The V's are starting to get called so all us W's walk towards the stage. "Ryan Winters" is called and the crowd lightly claps and I cheer on from the sideline regardless if things between us are weird.

My hands are shaking, my whole body in a tremble. "Emma Wolfe." I go blank for a second. That's me. I did it.

There weren't too many people left to be called after my letter was called.

The principal comes back on stage. "Congratulations class of twenty fourteen!" The graduation music comes back on and everyone throws their cap in the air.

I located my dads seat during the ceremony and threw my cap in the air while looking straight at him. This isn't only for me, this is for him. I could've been just another statistic, one of the few who don't graduate highschool but look at me.

We all pick up our caps, fireworks strike in the air, family's surround the field. I meet dad and Natalia in our agreed meeting spot.

"Congratulations Emma, I'm so proud of you. You have no idea." Dad says. "Hold it right there, this is a perfect picture." Natalia says blinding us with flashes. "Congrats sweetie." She says hugging me. "Did you hear us cheering?" "No, I kind of went blank when they called my name." I laugh. "Granpa and Grams came but left right before it ended. They brought you these and said they'll see you tomorrow." Dad says handing me flowers.

"Can we go home so I can change my shoes before going to dinner." I ask dad. "Yeah but you're leaving your cap and gown on."

I hurry up and unlock the front door and into my room as fast as I could since dad and Natalia are waiting for me in the car.

The window in my room was open with the curtains fluttering with these breeze coming through it. I didn't leave it open before leaving.

On my bed was a small rectangular box. I pull my cap off and take off my shoes and switch to some more comfortable already broken in ones.

I quickly unwrap the box before going back to the car.

A note in the box read, "My sister is getting married tomorrow, this is the invitation. I bought you a plane ticket, you're my plus one. I'll see you there -Ryan."

There it was, an invitation and a plane ticket to Texas.

Putting the note back in the box I noticed something on the back of it. "I paid for the burgers."

That's the thing with anxiety and mental illnesses in general, no matter how much I wish I could ditch them, they're a part of me. I can say I'm fine in this moment and say "yes I want to go to Texas with you!" but I'm not to the point where I can give myself to someone. I'm overcoming it more and more everyday, and yes I am much better than at the start of the year and yeah I could be with him and be just fine but if I'm thinking this hard about it now something's wrong. This back and forth of do I say yes or do I say no isn't just to him, it feels wrong. I needed a friend when I met Ryan and that's all. I'm leaving now and he's going to do his own thing.

Maybe I did love him and maybe I was in love with him for a second. Maybe he's only in love with the idea of me because I showed no dependability or love to him and I hate myself for that. Even as a friend I should have. I can't change what I did now though.

I had my reasons to drop out of high school, my mom died and I had never lived without her. I wanted to die. I had never felt so much pain in my life. My anxiety was at an all time him when she died. I worked so hard to get through it and tried to move on. Then junior year came around and I got bad again. No one told me when my anxiety subsided it would come back, let alone come back even worse. No one told me I would have to overcome so many obstacles just to do simple everyday tasks. Faith never told me any of this.

I had this feeling of wanting to be dead so bad. I was so ready to die, I had never been more sure of something. But I couldn't even do it, how pathetic, yet another thing I couldn't do. I let this illness almost take and destroy my life. I was too exhausted and too in pain to fix it but I didn't kill myself and here I am looking in the mirror of my bedroom with a graduation gown on. I've been stuck for too long and there's only so much I can do here before I get stuck again. I know it's not going to be easy out there alone and I'll probably want to die all over again. Today is a testament that even through the countless hours of suffering a split second of joy it's all worth it.

I have the right to be scared and freaked out moving on with my life but I will no longer let this illness be bigger than me. I can be my own hero. I am the brain inside the skeleton. I am the organs that rage inside me, the ones that beg for someone to listen. They're there inside me and I'm alive.

"Emma, you coming?" Dad says coming into my bedroom. "Yeah, I think I am."