THIS GIRL

4|

The air conditioner was out in the building I've been eating lunch in. I already took off my jacket but the building was a brick oven and I was a burning pizza. I had to find somewhere else to eat.

As I'm walking out Ryan was walking in. "Where are you goin'?" He says. "Not sure yet."

"How are you?" He asks. "Better." I say assuming he's talking about the anxiety attack or maybe being sick.

He follows me as I walk into another building that's half indoor half out. The terrace was practically empty except for a group of guys. The same ones Ryan talked to the other day, alongside a few girls.

I sit at a bench and pull my lunch bag back out.

"Hey Winters!" One says. "Is it okay if they sit with us?" Ryan says as the whole group walks over. I don't know why he asks, they had already sat down by the time I had said anything.

"Don't I have you for English?" One of the guys says. "I don't know, probably." I say. "What, don't you look around? You think you're better than us?" One of the two girls says laughing. "No, I just..." "She even got a cute little lunch bag," it was a paper bag "did your mommy also leave you a note in there too?" A guy says. "Its packaged food, her mom didn't make that she's too lazy and too rich." The second of the two girls says. "My mom is dead, but I'm sure you would love this salad." I say dumping in front of all of them. "Eat up." I say walking out of the building.

Why did I have to pick this building?

Ryan comes after me as I'm walking toward the parking lot. "I told you they were douche bags." I laugh. "Yeah. Well, I'll see you later I'm going home."

***

As I drive up to my house Calla is sitting in their front lawns tree swing. "What are you doing?" I say crossing the street to get to her. "Apparently, it's senior ditch day." And this is how she's spending it.

"Let's go to the docks." She says. "Isn't it under construction?" I say. "Yeah, but the sandwich place there is still open."

I change my clothes first because I have to get some of this day off of me. I'm not even anxious about it, I'm just over it.

Calla and I order our sandwiches and head to eat them outside on the dock. Although I'm not really that hungry I get one anyways. I know I have to eat but I can't. I just remember those dumb kids. I hate that I didn't say anything else back.

I like to think that I don't care what people think of me and most of the time I don't but this time their words are running through my mind repeatedly. I do care.

I throw pieces of my bread to the ducks in the water, they love it.

"How are you Em?" "I'm fine." "Are you sure?"

I try to hold it in but tears slowly come out. "I'm so tired of trying to get my normal life back. I just want to be in bed and stop trying. This everyday stuff like getting a sandwich and going to school isn't even helping me, it kills me. I'm over feeling like this is all too much when my brain knows it's not. I know it's not. Something in me thinks otherwise and whatever it is I listen to it." "This is your normal life. Whether you like it or not this, this is going to be you forever so you better get used to it." "That's the worst part. It doesn't get better. It never will. I won't just get over this because I'm stuck with being the mentally ill girl for the rest of my life. I've tried for years to be normal. Look at me I'm in the exact spot as when I first got bad. I haven't changed." "But you have, Emma from three years ago wouldn't leave the house for more than five minutes without freaking out, calling it quits and going back home. Now look at you, even through the panic attacks you stay out. You don't just go back home anymore. You're not a giver up and that's what's changing and that's what going to keep changing."

I guess she's right.

When Calla is done eating we head home.

We don't make it very far though because in the parking lot I run over something. "Was that a cone?" Calla says. "I hope so." If it was an animal I'd never forgive myself.

I back the car up and Calla and I get out to see what it was. It was just a small street cone.

Calla moves the cone and I'm about to get back into my car when Calla throws the cone on her head. "That's disgusting Cal." I say but she runs up to me with it. "Stop it!" She doesn't listen. She smacks me with it.

So I give in, pick up a cone from the construction site put it on my head and try to knock hers off her head with mine. We're running around the parking lot with street cones on our heads looking like complete idiots and this is why she's my best friend.