THIS GIRL

11|

Natalia has officially moved in and I spend so much time at the girls place now. Calla apologizes far too much about hiding that Ryan was trying to graduate early. She shouldn't, nothing is her fault. It's mine, I'm so selfish.

Ryan and I haven't spoken in weeks. I've gone to his place and there's never an answer at the door. He doesn't answer my calls or my texts. He's hardly ever in class and when he is he sits on the other side of the room and avoids me.

Calla's boyfriend is having an after prom party tonight and all of us are going, including her sisters. Calla and her boyfriend are the only ones going to prom out of all of us.

I don't want to go. I really had no intentions of going. I'm exhausted. I'm mad. I'm sad. I just want to be home but I can't be, she's there. She's always there now. I for a quick second thought I could like her, but I can't. She's just a reminder that, that's it. Mom is gone forever and will be. I knew there was no going back, I never she would never come back, but this is it. It's official.

Everyday I see Natalia and dad happy, singing while making breakfast, cuddled on the couch watching TV. How could I not be sad? She's a replacement for someone who should have never been replaced. I'm putting this happy face while she's around but I can't do this anymore. I think she's was a sign of something bigger. Maybe to finally get me out of this house.

Today I got my first college acceptance letter and I intend on taking it. This is what I needed. She is the extra push I needed to get me out. It's here and I need to grab it. I will.

I haven't told anyone but tonight is my personal celebration of no longer being scared here, to being terrified of there. I've been better at getting my anxiety to subside when it pops up, so this is it. I'm taking this hand and letting it lead be to where I need to be in order to be fully me.

***

"What are you feeling right about now?" Sophia says with a Sprite in her hand. "That this is finally over soon. It's so weird." "Isn't it?" "Yeah." I say kicking my feet back up on the couch. A few of us got here early before the prom goers came, Calla's boyfriend, Rob, said we could so we did.

Chloë is rummaging through the drawers of Robs parents house, who let him have the party. Sophia is now chatting it up with two random guys who got here early too.

I realize that I'm going to miss this, of all things. The girls being unapologetic-ally themselves and Calla being her new self. Who knows if I'll ever find friends like these again. I'll only see the girls once in a while when I visit and that's only until they're out of community college. Calla hasn't decided where she's going but none of the schools she got accepted to are near mine.

I almost feel bad that I haven't told my dad so I step outside where a bonfire is being started up as people are arriving.

"Hello?" Dad answers his phone. I almost don't want to tell him but he has to adjust as much as I do. I know this school is only about an hour and a half away so it's not a huge adjustment but that's why I applied there. It's close to home but far enough to push me out of my comfort zone. "Dad, I got into Cal State LA." I say sitting near the fire. "I know it's not, like, the number one school in LA but it's affordable and I'm really happy about this." "I'm so happy for you Emma, seriously. We are going to celebrate tomorrow just me and you okay." "Thanks dad, for everything." "I'm really proud of you." I clutch the phone near my heart as he hangs up, he hasn't said that in a long time. I feel a small weight off my shoulders but this makes it so much more real.

Calla and Rob finally get to the party he adjusts the lights, they go down and music higher. Everyone is dancing, having fun and so am I.

***

I got home from school to see both dad and Natalia cooking, there are pots and pans everywhere. There were decorations up and Calla was putting up more. "What are you guys doing?" I say. "Surprise!" Natalia says. "We're celebrating tonight." Calla says jumping off the step stool to hug me. My acceptance to school I'd assume, but also the obvious sign in Calla's handwriting that says "On our way to CalStateLA!"

It's been around a month since I got in and dad already took me out for dinner so I was not expecting this.

Dad and Natalia made me a huge celebration dinner tonight and dad invited my grandparents, his parents. Chloe and Sophia arrived and hour later when my grandparents came over.

Natalia made a whole bunch of Mexican food, yet another reason she reminds me of my mom. Mom was Spanish, some of the food is similar.

Dad baked a cake and decorated it terribly. Sprinkles and melted frosting where all over the place. It's was really good though, surprisingly.

"Who could that be?" Natalia says refiling her cup as we all hear the doorbell ring.

She answers the door. "Emma, it's for you." It was Ryan. My heart immediately starts racing.

I close the door behind me as I walk out. "Hey." I say. "Can we walk over here?" He says. "Uh sure."

We walk in the direction of the park near my house.

"So I'm moving back to Marfa. Well a little outside of Marfa." He says. "But you hate it there." I say. "No, I don't. My parents hate me there. It's only for the summer with my grandparents while I figure out what I'm going to do with school." "What do you mean while you figure out what you're going to do with school?" "I don't want to go, I'm thinking of taking the year off and traveling or something."

"So this is it? You're moving back to Marfa and traveling and I'm moving to LA, we're moving on with our lives and we're never going to see each other after graduation." This blanket of somber comes over me and it's not keeping me warm. "I think that, I needed you to come into my life and show me I could've had something but you're just a friend and that's what I needed from you, a friend." I say. "Don't do that to me. I said I love you. I meant it don't call me your friend. I know you thought I did this getting out of school early thing for you, but if I did what's wrong with me? I need to know." "I can't give myself to someone and have pressure on me to keep you happy if I'm barely learning how to do that for myself." "I don't really care if you feel a pressure to make me feel a certain way and to keep me feeling a certain way. You look at me and it kills me. You're trying to find happiness and that's all I see when I look at you." "Ryan, I'm not dependable for a second, I can't just be there for you. My fears, my anxiety come first. I can't help that, I'm sorry. I'm not your girl." All the words coming out of my mouth feel wrong. I want to be with you. I do. I can't. I won't half ass it.

"I have to be a hundred percent with myself before being with anyone." I say. "You're never going to be at a hundred and I'm fine with that. I just, never mind." Lets go somewhere." He says. "Where?" "Anywhere?" "I can't." "Okay." He leaves and I'm on the swing in the park watching his silhouette dissapear behind the parks trees.

This is how it's supposed to be.