THIS GIRL

7|

"Did you finish your painting?" Ryan asks sitting next to me in class. "Yeah, like it?" We had to paint something showing shading and realism on something that was not a face. I picked Michaelangelo's half carved sculpture of a body, half the sculpture was still in stone. I painted the background burgundy with a floral print to show more realism since the focal point of the painting showed more shading.

"It's amazing." He says. It wasn't. "Where's yours?" "In the back drying." "Can I see it?" I ask. "It's the one of the beach scape. Don't laugh at it." He says.

"It's good." I say holding in laughter. It's terrible. It looks like he tried to get it done in five minutes. "Okay, it is really bad." he laughs.

"Winters, Wolfe class has begun. Take your seats." Goulding says.

During my last class I had an unsettling feeling the whole time. I wasn't completely sure why but I felt my stomach in knots and acid bubbling up to my throat.

After school I'm walking to my car when I get a text from my dad. It said "come to your grandmas asap" and I knew what that meant. My gut feeling just knew.

Ryan was waiting by my car. "Ready?" We had plans to start Gouldings next project together. "I have to go." I say. I felt so bad jumping in my car and driving off as Ryan stood there confused.

***

Knocking at the door while I'm putting pumps on makes me feel even more rushed "Ryan?" "I'm so sorry Emma." He says hugging me.

"You're all dressed up?" I say. "Calla told me and I rushed over here as soon as I found out." He says. "Yeah, your hair isn't perfectly quaffed like it usually is." It's usually wavy and pushed to the side, today the waves fell down his forehead with strays all over the place. "Emma... are you alright?" How did calla even tell him? "Ryan, I'm fine." "Are you sure?" "Yeah."

"When you drove off a few days ago I thought you were mad or something. I'm glad you're okay though." He says. "I'm sorry."

My dad, Ryan and I all get in my car and I drove to the service.

I said hello to a lot of extended family I hadn't seen since mom died.

Natalia ended up coming and was clasped to dad the entire time.

I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be home watching TV, eating popcorn and having laughs with dad over how dumb whatever we were watching would be. I wanted to be taking a run on the beach eventhough I hate running. I wanted to be taking a cold shower. I wanted to be listening to music parked somewhere with a nice view. I wanted to be out with my friends, not here at a funeral.

The service started, dad sitting close to the front with all the in-laws, Ryan and I sitting towards the back of the funeral home.

First my uncle gave a little speech, he talked about how sassy grandma was all the time, and he said that was when you'd know she loved you if she replied with a snarky comment.

My cousin was up next, he talked for so long, and he talked about every moment of the day she'd have that smile on her face, the one where everyone knew she was in pain but she didn't want anyone to know. As if she weren't worth our worrying.

I'd thought of how little I knew her, I was never really around. Would I regret that? I only knew she liked Cokes and pozole, I knew about the smile, I knew about the sass. I didn't know much else. Everything everyone said up there was new news to me, as if I was at a strangers funeral. But I wasn't, it felt like I'd missed out on something everyone else knew so well and couldn't get enough.

"Do you ever feel nothingness creeping inside you? You don't even know how or why it came but it just kind of did." Ryan nods. "I wish it'd go away."