𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 & 𝗱𝗼𝗴𝘄𝗼𝗼𝗱𝘀 🌸 Changlix

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There was something about him. The way he smiled was so genuine. His eyes shined, and when they didn't, he still looked absolutely gorgeous. There was no way to describe just how beautiful he was. He was a white rabbit scampering through snowy woods in the winter. He was a flying squirrel in the wind; a breath of fresh air; a new experience; an energetic soul. He had the femininity of the moon and the masculinity of the sun. He was an example of gods touch. He was a swan; loyal, elegant, and royal. He was the missing piece everyone searched for in a pile of others. He was the song to the downpour on a day full of sorrow.
No one was quite as perfect as him. He was his everything from the moment he had laid eyes on him. Seo Changbin was nothing but a mere shadow in comparison. Always seen yet quickly forgotten. They were two sides of the same planet. Lee Felix was the more favored.
As a man with a love for poetry, the stories of the sun and the moon was no secret to Changbin. He loved them. He often daydreamed that in another time, he had been the moon, and Felix the sun. There was always the possibility that if he died it would happen. Changbin refused to attempt such a risk as that. The thought of never seeing Felix again was far too painful.
When the thought did cross his mind, it was usually during a moment of self-doubt. Changbin got jealous often. The boy he was so deeply in love with was popular around their school. Felix always seemed to pass him by without a single glance; Once again a piercing reminder to the chest, he wasn't anything to Lee Felix. He never would be anything to him. The world had planned their demise the day they met.
Changbin was not a pretty guy. The only thing relatively feminine about him was his short stature. Otherwise, Changbin was a perfect replica of the definition: manly. He had straight black hair that was always cut short, constantly wore shades along the black scale, and enjoyed working out. Some said he looked like a gangster. His pierced lip and brow, the leather jacket he was occasionally seen with, or the fact that he never quite smiled in public, any of those could be a reason for that grand opinion. In reality, Changbin was not like that at all. He did not belong to a gang, smoke, cuss frequently, nor did he get around. He was loyal like a dog. No one cared to explore that side of him, however.
Felix on the other hand was soft spoken. He had a deep voice that relaxed you and his smile only added to that. He was generous and kind, often offering classmates help with school work. He worked at a well known bakery, was organized, and posted almost as much a girl would on social medias. He was the definition of: cute. Manly and cute men did not go together. Not in the eyes of the world they lived in at the age of seventeen. Not in any world but the one Changbin brought to life in his dreams.
"You should stop staring," a boy whispered to Changbin from the side. Changbin ignored his seat mate, Kim Seungmin. He was a hard person to describe. The best way to put the boy down in words was to say he was a puppy. He had curly brown hair, could be playful and mischevious, and sometimes became clingy at the randomest of moments. There were a lot of qualities he shared with man's best friend. "Changbin," Seungmin called again.
The boy had no choice but to look away from Felix and to his friend. He gave him his attention. In the back of his mind, he desperately wanted to turn back to Felix and stare a thousand hours longer. An obsession; that's what Lee Felix was to Changbin. Love and obsession could go hand and hand with each other. Changbin did not like thinking of it as such a negative thing. His hidden feelings never affected the lives of others.
"Stop staring," Seungmin told him assertively.
Changbin tried his best to control his gaze. If Felix had ever caught him looking, Changbin might have a heart attack. Even with the chance that would happen, he watched the boy with hair the color of dogwood flowers until the class was let out. Changbin, unlike the other students, did not stand up and leave the room. He watched the fleeting figure of Felix before turning to face the army green chalk board. "You are so sick," Seungmin breathed. Changbin knew. He was sick in love.
A burning sensation ripped apart his insides. Be it rage or any other emotion, he did not know. It was frustrating. "Is he spiraling again?"
It was a surprise to even himself that Changbin had more than one friend. He had two. Kim Seungmin, and another fellow, Lee Minho. This other boy was brutal and psychological. He was smart, always hitting the problem straight on without hesitance. He made the hardest problems sensical. He had a certain maturity to him. A strange soul, he was. Changbin appreciated that about him. That he was different. That he did not hold himself back because of others. He was not scared to offend people, because if he did then it simply meant they were not compatible. He was confident. The most incomprehensible thought was that beyond his outer shell, he had a weak spot. Something he had not told anyone about. Not even his two best friends. It was a mystery what could make the most stubborn boy in the universe utterly hopeless.
"He's never not spiraling, Minho," Seungmin informed.
Changbin would not argue. "His smile is even more perfect today," he muttered.
His two friends shared a sigh with each other.
"Changbin, I have a serious question," Minho announced suddenly. Changbin hummed. "What is it to love someone?" he asked without a second to waste. He was like that. He never gave anyone time to breathe between sentences.
The question stirred a hurricane inside the lovesick boy. What was it to love someone? Better yet, what was it to love Lee Felix? "He is a refreshing feeling. He is a taste of heaven. Everything I want I somehow find within him. His actions, words, and friendships—there isn't anything I could ever hate. Even the flaws, I adore," Changbin explained.
Minho flicked his eyes in a circle. "That's not what I am asking, Changbin," he returned in a rush.
Changbin chuckled and turned his head to his friend. "Minho, when you are in love, it isn't a feeling, it's a person. He is my love. He is love."
Minho's body went rigid. It was as if he had broken a seesaw that pushed him up when he was down. A realization struck him in that moment. "I think I'm in love," he spoke. His voice gradually grew hoarse. "I'm in love," he stated after an odd second of thought.
A screech against the floor startled Changbin out of the daydream of his crush. Three seconds it took before it set in. His friend was in love. He stood up from his seat and gave his full attention to Minho; Seungmin had already done so. "Who?" Changbin asked.
The awaited moment they never thought would come was there. "His name," Minho's eyes strayed to the side. "Is Han Jisung."
A careless boy with a goofy attitude. Everyone knew Han Jisung. Changbin knew him far too well. He was a close friend of Felix's. It made sense that he would be the one to break through Minho's shell. The only question Changbin had was: when? When had Jisung become Minho's weakness? "And? What are you going to do about it?" Seungmin questioned.
"He'll probably just daydream like I do," Changbin started.
He was interrupted quickly, however, when Minho said, "I'll ask him out."
The room went silent. It should not have shocked Changbin and Seungmin as much as it did. Minho was straightforward. To not care about rejection was beyond comprehensible; how would Minho even confess? "And how are you going to do that?"
Changbin watched the two bicker. He heard few words, as his mind was once again overridden with thoughts of Felix. If Minho started dating Jisung, he would probably have a chance to meet Felix face to face. Speak to him. He did not like the idea of using his friends relationship to benefit his selfish desire. He brushed the idea off and sent a smile to Minho. "We'll do whatever you need."
And they did. Seungmin did anyway. Changbin was not needed for anything but the discovery of the thing Minho was feeling. He continued his days as he always did: staring at Felix. Sometime along, Minho and Jisung started dating. Changbin felt a weird feeling inside of him at the news. An excitement mixed with a dying desire to speak to the moon; to Felix. It was as if he was missing out on something because he was holding himself back for his friends sake. If he just asked Minho to introduce him to Jisung, surely he'd allow it. They were friends. He knew by then that Jisung was friends with the boy Changbin was so deeply in love with. So on a random day, with a chest full of confidence, and a throat ready for an argument and pleading, he approached Minho.
"Minho," he called. Minho spun on his heel and directed his gaze to Changbin. "I have to talk to you."
Minho's eyes almost brightened at his friend. "Changbin. I was just going to find you. Do you want to eat lunch with Jisung and his friends? He invited me."
Changbin froze in his spot, fingers twitching from his nerves that began to feel like static. Was Minho really asking him to eat lunch with his boyfriend? His boyfriend who was friends with Felix. Felix, the love of Changbin's life. "Are you serious?" he asked.
Minho nodded. He was smiling. Minho smiled on rare occasions.
That was what led up to Changbin and Seungmin sitting at a large table with Minho. Changbin twisted his studded earrings around out of nervousness. He was meeting Lee Felix. His leg began to shake as he realized his situation. The light his mind hovered around like an insect was going to be sitting at the same table as him. The closest Changbin had ever been to Felix was their desks which were a good five rows apart. What was he going to say?
"Don't embarrass me. Especially you Changbin. Keep your flirtatious comments to yourself," Minho ordered. If only he knew how scared Changbin actually was. There was no way he could flirt with Felix. He was a shadow. Shadows did not speak. They did not have a presence. That was what he became when people circled near him.
"Baby," a voice that was somewhat familiar to Changbin's ears, called.
"Be cool," Minho threatened through a smile. Changbin looked at his phone. If he pretended to be a jerk, no one would talk to him. The benches connected to the table top squealed as weight was put on them. They had arrived.
"Guys, this is my boyfriend, Lee Minho. Minho, meet my friends," Jisung introduced. A chorus of hellos were shared. Changbin listened in on the conversations. There were plenty of friends Jisung had brought. Chan, Hyunjin, Jeongin, and of course, Felix. When Felix spoke Changbin fell under the spell of his voice. He stared at the screen of his phone although he'd died in his game as soon as his crush began to speak. What he was staring at was now a red message across the glass plate. You died.
Minho introduced his friends next. Seungmin said hello for himself and told them Changbin's name as said boy bowed his head. A few drinks were passed around after that. Changbin popped the straw into the plastic and instantly sipped it. He was parched.
"So, does your friend not speak? Is he mute?" One of Jisung's friends asked.
"Don't be an asshole, Hyunjin." That was Felix's voice. Changbin did not take Felix as one to cuss. Then again, most teenagers did.
"He's just shy," Seungmin told them.
"Shy? Isn't he supposed to be some brute?" Another friend asked.
"If that were true, Felix would be a complete Angel with eyes that reminded people of the sun," Once again, another argued.
"Isn't he?" Minho joked. Changbin could feel his gaze on him.
"Felix? Sunshine? Maybe on the outside. On the inside he's a demon. Sarcastic and flirtatious. I swear he was a born heartbreaker."
Felix scoffed. The sound rattled Changbin's bones and sent him into shock. "They are messing with you. I don't think I'm either. Some people like me, some don't. I try my best to be myself. That's all there is to me."
"That doesn't explain all the hearts you've broken, pretty boy," Jisung sang.
"It's not like I can marry everyone. I can only date one person and that person is probably halfway across the world waiting to find me when I'm thirty."
So he knew he was handsome. Changbin felt his lips wiggle. Of course he did. Felix was beautiful. He knew what he did to people. To most people. Some were good at hiding it. Changbin for example.
"The brute smiles," Jisung said playfully.
Changbin finally lifted his head, hand bringing his drink up along with it. He looked off to the side and released the straw from his lips. "My name is Seo Changbin."
"I like brute," a boy with long black hair teased.
"And I like my name. Use it," he lectured.
"Ooh, tough guy," the boy next to the mischievous raven said.
"I workout," Changbin joked, though it came off as more of a threat to the rest of the group.
"Alright, names to faces. The one at the end is Chan," Minho stated. He had brown hair like Seungmin except that it was curlier. "Next to him is Jeongin." The boy had black hair and braces. He looked a lot younger than the rest. "Hyunjin." Black-haired brat with an attitude. "And Jisung," Seungmin finished. Jisung had light brown hair unlike Chan and Seungmin. He kind of represented a squirrel.
"Don't forget me," Felix whined. Changbin met his eyes. His heart stopped beating, he swore. Felix smiled so breathtakingly. Changbin fell in love with him for the millionth time.
"I know you," Changbin said. He was surprised he got it out.
Felix's eyes widened in shock. "Really? I don't think we've ever met."
"You're in my class. I sit at the back. It's kind of hard to miss you with your platinum blonde hair." That was not the reason Changbin knew of him.
"I didn't think you cared about, well, anything," Felix added, tilting his head to the side. "You look like the type to just ignore everyone around you. You don't seem all that friendly too me."
Changbin's heart peeled itself in two as the words from Felix's lips registered. His shoulders sank, eyes growing a far away look. That sucks. I wanted to get to know him better. Does he hate me? Am I unapproachable? Am I really that lame? What am I next to some creation made from the hands of Aphrodite? I guess I really am the moons shadow. I don't even get taken notice of next to someone like him. Changbin pushed his face into the palm of his hand with a frown. Everyone else began talking amongst themselves. Why is it so hard to talk to people? Good god he's beautiful. It's a lot different looking at him from this angle. His freckles look like stars. That would make sense. He's the sun so other stars are bound to surround him. But he's also the moon, so stars should be around him anyway. Changbin's lips lifted slowly. His thoughts never changed their subject. It was always Lee Felix.
When Jisung and his friends left, Minho was the first to ask his friend what was wrong. "I don't know," responded Changbin. It was the truth. He did not know what had gone wrong. He should have spoken to him more. Was a single sentence all he could muster up after watching Felix from afar for so long? He was frustrated with himself. His heart continued to ache from the blondes words, as well. Did Felix really see him as some unfriendly person?
"He's sulking," said Seungmin.
"I can see that," acknowledged Minho.
Changbin continued the rest of the day with sunken shoulders. How could he change Felix's view? Was it the piercings? If he cleaned himself up like Minho, would he be easier to approach? Was that considered changing yourself for someone else?
A few days later Changbin stared at himself in one of the mirrors belonging to the boys bathroom. Minho and Seungmin were looking at him from behind, jaws slackened. Changbin knew exactly what they were thinking. What happened to you? What else could have happened but Lee Felix? "Do I look nicer?" asked Changbin. Would his newly dyed brown hair and his neat looking uniform woo the boy of his dreams? Surely if that did not, the removal of his piercings would. Changbin cleared his throat and fixed his hair, which was parted in the middle.
"I can't believe what I'm seeing," said Seungmin.
"Please, at least put your studs back in. It feels like I'm looking at a different person," whispered Minho.
The newly brown-haired boy gave them a sigh and did as asked. He pushed the piercings into their holes and then patted down the front of his dark blue blazer. "Okay, now?" he asked.
"You look hot. I hate it. I mean, you were always attractive, but now you just look like some lead from a drama."
Changbin didn't know if that was a compliment or not. He did not get many of those from his friends. He shrugged it off and headed out into the halls, then into his classroom. A few of his classmates whispered at his entrance. He ignored them and plopped on his seat. Felix was not there yet. He pulled out his phone and earbuds, connecting them through Bluetooth, and then pushing them into his ears. What should he say to Felix when he came? A lot of girls liked to play hard to get. Should he? He could pretend he did not see the blonde and wait for him to come to him. That could take ages though. Changbin found it far too difficult to keep his eyes from straying to Felix's seat.
He let himself divulge into a daydream. One where Felix paid him the slightest bit of attention. They could hold hands and run around the school trying to sneak in a kiss or two. On the weekends Changbin could bring him a faux flower and by the time of their sixth month anniversary, Felix would have a bouquet. Maybe Felix would cuddle up to him on the couch while they watched a scary movie. Changbin smiled at the ideas popping up. He wanted nothing more than that. To wrap his arms around Felix and whisper sweet nothings into his ears. To hear Felix laugh out in embarrassment.
Changbin wanted to have an effect on Felix. That day would come eventually—hopefully. When Felix did arrive to class, all the time and effort Changbin had put into the mirror practicing meant nothing. He was a melted pudding in the hands of the baker. He could only stare. Why was he so beautiful to him? Felix's freckles were showing much more that day, Changbin noted. He counted them through math when he should have been counting whatever it was the teacher was lecturing about.
"It didn't work, did it?" asked Seungmin.
Changbin let out a groan as his head contacted their lunch table. "What should I do? He didn't even glance my way. Am I really that unnoticeable?"
"Even I'm surprised he didn't budge," muttered Minho.
"Who didn't budge?" the familiar voice of Minho's boyfriend asked.
Changbin lifted his head so his chin was pressed against the hard plastic. He was too tired and sad to shoo the boy away. "Felix," he answered.
Jisung blinked. "You are trying to impress Felix?" Changbin simply nodded. "You do know Felix has a boyfriend, right?" Jisung asked rhetorically.
Changbin's ears began to ring. His heart slammed against his chest in brutal thumps. He felt as though the organ was screaming at him. Pleading him to release the feelings he'd kept to himself for over a year. His eyes' focus faded away and became blurry. Felix had a boyfriend. That was why he had not taken a single glance to Changbin. He was curious. When had they started dating? Surely it couldn't have been too long ago. Was it when Changbin was distracted with Minho and his relationship with Jisung? Perhaps it had been before that and Changbin had just ignored the hints.
Minho and Jisung were talking. Changbin could hear their distant chatter. Had Felix not said a few days before that he was still waiting to find that person that liked him? Had he been joking? Did he not want to tell them because it was their first introduction? None of that mattered. Changbin's heart was still broken. A heart wrenching realization that there had never been a chance from the very start. The sun did not love the moon, no matter how much the moon loved the sun. Felix was not a rabbit the color of snow, but the dangerous trap that captured it; captured Changbin.
That was the last time Changbin opened up his heart. The last time he ever had the thought to change himself for anyone. The last time he allowed himself to fall completely and madly in love with anyone.