The Probability Of Not Loving You

Chapter 21

Chapter 21 (unedited)

Alex took a step forward and hesitated. When he stepped out of bed that morning, he had convinced himself that he was going to tell Ava everything. He had to. He hadn't known why it had to be that day but it had to be or he would have lost his nerve again.

For years she was at the back of his mind, wondering where she was, who she was with, if she could forgive him. If he had an inclining that she wondered about him as he did, Alex would have dropped everything and gone to her. But the way they had left things, she couldn't stand his guts. In all honesty, being near her was hard. Ava was easily the most beautiful woman in any room and rooms had a way of gravitating towards her. He gravitated towards her and hiding that fact, took more out of him than he cared to admit. As pain as their separation was, it had been a small mercy to some of the worst years that he had ever had to endure.

Nothing could have prepared him for the day of her engagement. Holding firm to the little determination that he had and smallest of hopes that she might listen to him, and maybe not kill him when Alex told her that he had been in love with her all along, he snuck into the back of the hall.

Alex hadn't known whose seat it was that he took. His was supposed to be next to his family but he couldn't bring himself to be in the thick of things. This was awful timing, his mind kept yelling at him. But would there ever be a right time? His table was mildly empty and close to the aisle and it helped see people go up and down. Alex was confident that he wouldn't see anyone that he knew, he could barely see Ava while she was kept somewhere at the front of the hall.

But he heard them. He heard people that he went to school with talk about how Christian had made Ava happy, heard his friends mention how Christian had changed her life. Alex heard her laugh at something that Jessica uttered and realised that the words that he had to say were irrelevant. They were important to him but Ava had moved on just as he knew the night when she asked him to meet her fiancé.

The nail in the coffin had been watching the dance to a song that Christian had dedicated it to be their song. Seeing her in Christian's arms made it real. Sure, Alex knew Christian existed. He had been a man who sat across from him at a breakfast table but Alex had always diminished their relationship in his head. It had never felt that real than when he watched her in Christian's protective hold, so close that they were one, and then kissed. Alex forced himself to watch even as his vision became blurry. He had to see this—He had to watch this, so that next time he wouldn't let another person convince him to fight for what was already lost.

The scary part was that no one was supposed to see him but she had. She was right in front of him with a look of confusion. Shit! He had messed up this time! She followed after him. Did he remember a single word he said? Not particularly. All he knew was that she had seen him and he had found himself in an empty room, foreheads pressed against each other after wanting her for so long and no strength to fight his feelings. As he looked into her eyes, he almost swore than she wanted him to kiss her.

He was seeing things. Seeing what he had wanted for eight years, what he had dreamt about because dreams were the only place where she hadn't hated him. She was happily engaged and just kissed her fiancé in front of everyone. Also, she had told him that he looked like shit. Alex didn't lack confidence but he had never had a woman tell him that he looked like shit and then kissed him.

"Congratulations on your happy day, Ava," Alex said each bitter word as acceptance that he and Ava were truly finished. There was no hope left.

She pressed her arms against his chest and pushed him hard, forcing him to release her. He should have done that long ago. "Why the hell didn't you answer my calls?"