summer child // joshler

10

josh's point of view

when we get up to the roof (which was scary in itself), i watch as tyler opens the box again, doing something that i can't see due to the lid of the box blocking my view of his hands.

it's a bit intimidating being up here, especially being up here to do something that's illegal.

"i've never smoked before," i admit, feeling incredibly lame.

"really? i mean, you don't have to. i don't have to either if you're uncomfortable. i like watching the sunsets up here too, which sounds kind of lame, but we could just sit and talk if you want," he pauses whatever he's doing and looks up at me, his eyes scanning my face.

"no, it's okay. i'll try it. first time for everything, right?" i smile sheepishly, still uncertain but not uncomfortable.

"don't worry. i can help you. you'll be fine," he smiles back at me.

"i trust you."

he smiles a little wider and closes the box, a joint and a lighter both in his hand now. "alright, do you want me to go first?"

i nod and he puts the joint in his mouth, lighting the end of it and then setting the lighter aside. i watch as he inhales and then exhales, smoke pouring out of his mouth. i'd be lying if i said i didn't find it a little bit attractive.

he hands me the joint and i put it to my lips.

"okay, so inhale a bit. then hold it for just half a second and inhale, like, deeper," he tries to explain, watching me carefully.

i follow his directions and then take it out of my mouth to blow the smoke out, immediately going into a small coughing fit.

tyler laughs a little. "put your arms up, it'll help."

i raise my arms and cough a few more times before it stops. "jesus."

tyler takes another hit, making it look much easier than it is. he passes it back to me and i take a smaller one this time, only coughing for a second and handing it back to him again. we only share a couple rounds before tyler puts it out and opens the box again to put it away.

"now what?" i ask.

"now, we wait," he lays back on the roof, staring up at the sky, "you should feel it soon. it isn't too strong or anything but you didn't have very much so you shouldn't be too out of it."

i decide to lay down next to him, watching the clouds move slowly. when i feel it start to kick in, its... strange. i feel light but also heavy. my mind feels a bit foggy and i feel like if i tried to talk, i'd immediately burst into laughter.

"how you feeling, man?" tyler looks over to me.

i look back at him with a lazy smile on my face. "dude, i feel great," i say, laughing afterwards as i anticipated.

"i'm glad," he giggles, turning his gaze back to the sky.

we make conversation for awhile until it eventually dies out, leaving us in a comfortable silence as the sky paints itself an array of oranges and pinks.

"josh?" he says my name after a few minutes (that feel like hours) of quiet.

"what's up, man?" i turn to look at him. he seems anxious.

"can i ask you something?"

"ask away, my friend."

he swallows hard and i watch his adams apple move as he does so. why is he so nervous?

"have you ever had a girlfriend?"

oh. that seems benign. why would he be worried about asking me that?

"yeah, i had one in seventh grade for like three months. it's okay if you don't remember that one. then in ninth grade, i had one for maybe six months," i answer honestly, my mind still too cloudy to make up a lie. i don't know what answer he's hoping for.

"why did you guys, um... break up?" he questions, still avoiding looking at me.

"well, the first one, i don't really count it as a relationship. we just talked in school so we broke up when the school year ended. then, with the second, i just realized that i didn't really... like girls," i admit. i think i know what's coming now.

he takes a shaky breath. "have you ever had a boyfriend?" his voice is quiet and wavering.

"yes," i reply, my own voice hushed. the air is too thick to raise it louder than a whisper.

tyler finally looks over to me, tears welling up in his eyes and a pained expression on his face. it breaks my heart and i'm not sure why this is happening now or what i'm supposed to do.

"josh, i-i don't think i know who i am anymore."

"that's okay. i do."

(an: this one is kind of short but important. having existential thoughts and an identity crisis while high. been there 🤪)