summer child // joshler

26

josh's point of view

"i kissed a girl, josh. but the whooole time, you know what? i just wished it was you."

tears start falling from his eyes but i'm not sure he notices them.

i choose not to say anything, instead just wrapping my arms around him and pulling him closer to me. i don't know how long we stay like that, but by the time i've thought of something to say to him, i look down and he's fallen asleep.

that was... a lot to process. i know we'll talk about it tomorrow. this just gives me extra time to think. and just in case the conversation doesn't go well, i pull him a little bit closer and let myself enjoy the quiet moments of calm before what could potentially become a storm.

-

when i get back from my morning run, tyler is still passed out in my bed. i grab some clothes as quietly as i can and then go to the bathroom to take a shower.

i've been slacking on my running this summer, so it was nice to get out this morning, to get some fresh air. it even eased my anxiety of my pending conversation with tyler for awhile.

a part of me was happy when he said he thought of me. it gave me hope that maybe there's a chance i'm more than a safe opportunity to get through this rough patch, that maybe he really likes me.

it's probably just as confusing for me as it is for him at this point in all honesty.

when i'm finished getting dressed, i stop in the kitchen to grab tyler two aspirin and a glass of water. then, i walk back to my room and sit down on the bed. i set the water down and use my now free hand to gently shake tyler's arm.

"ty, it's time to wake up, bub." i speak softly and pick the water back up when he opens his eyes.

he sits up slowly and takes the medicine, finishing most of the water in one go. "thank you." he reaches past me to set the glass on my bedside table and then rubs his temples, thinking for a moment before he speaks.

"i'm, uh... i'm sorry about last night. i know that was kind of a lot. i remember most of it i think," he pauses and takes a breath, "i don't really remember getting here, but i know i said some... things." he winces a bit, his hands falling from his face to pick up his habit again, his thumb immediately going to his wrist.

"we can talk about it if you're ready, but if you need awhile, that's cool too."

"no, we can talk now. do you think we could go to the roof though?" he looks at me then, his voice still quiet.

we both put our shoes on and the head out to clamber onto his roof and sit next to each other.

"it feels different up here."

"what do you mean? you mean like we're wearing down the roof and we'll eventually crash through the ceiling?" i counter, trying to at least lighten the mood a little.

"no," he shakes his head a little with a small smile. "it's just like... our own world. up here, away from everyone, looking out at everything. it all seems so far away, you know?" i nod and he continues, "i think that's why its easier for me to talk up here. feels like no one will hear me."

"you're stalling, ty." i call him out in what i hope is a gentle tone.

"maybe a little." he admits.

"alright. what's going on?"

he takes a deep breath before he speaks again. "i just... this is all a lot for me. i think i got really freaked out about the fight between you and adam... it didn't really make sense as to why, but i just felt upset about the whole thing. i was freaking out and i wanted to not think about it all for awhile. like, my brain has been so full lately."

i nod, letting it sit for a moment. "so that's why you don't know if you want to be my friend..? because you think you caused that fight? that wasnt your fault at all."

"no, um... that's not why." he clears his throat and then closes his eyes. "i think i told you that i kissed a girl while i was there? i-"

"yeah, you did. but i mean, we're not like... i'm not mad at you for that either."

"just let me finish, please." he takes another breath. "i kissed her and i felt nothing. but when i'm with you..." he stops and opens his eyes, which have filled with tears.

i watch as he tries to form his next words, as his wall starts to crack around the edges.

"josh, when i'm with you, i feel everything, in the best way possible. it's like when we kiss, i just... it's warm, it's sweet, it's amazing. it's everything that i never knew i could have. i've never felt this way before. i was trying so hard to figure it out but when i kissed that girl, it just... hit me. i don't want to be your friend anymore because i want to be more than that."

(an: ahhh and there it is)