summer child // joshler

11

tyler's point of view

"that's okay. i do."

"what?"

"i know you. you're competitive. you're good at math and basketball, but you only joined the team because your dad made you and you figured it was better than taking gym. you hate history but you like video games, even though you kind of stink at them. you're confident for the most part. you're funny. you like your turkey sandwiches with doritos and you hide your ukulele and keyboard under your bed when your other friends come over, even though you're so good at playing them. your favorite color is green and you're scared of the dark but too afraid to admit it to anyone. and you're my friend," he says all this like it's easy, like it's obvious. like he cares.

"my world is falling apart, j," i pause for a minute to wipe a tear thats fallen, "my dad was a fucking asshole but i hate that he's gone. my mom is basically going insane and i hate my dad for that too. i don't know where i want to go to college or what i want to do. everything is changing so fast and i just... i feel weird and i don't know what's going on in my life or what's happening to me," i sit up and dig the heels of my hands in my eyes, willing myself to stop crying.

"that's exactly what makes you so normal, ty," josh sits up with me, his voice calm as he talks, his words still a bit slow, "we learned about erikson's stages of development in psychology last semester. do you know what they are?"

"no," i mumble, looking down at my lap now that my tears have finally subsided.

"okay. so, from the time you're born to when you're about eighteen months old, you're in the trust versus mistrust phase. you're learning to trust, like, your parents and stuff. babies are learning to trust which adults will take care of them.

"for our age range, i think it's from thirteen to twenty-one, we're in a stage called identity versus role confusion. we're supposed to be learning who we are, figuring out how we differ from others around us. this is normal. no one really knows who they are in high-school. it takes time to explore and that's okay.

"i mean, think about how our age is portrayed in books and movies. they're literally called 'coming of age.' plus, most marriages end in divorce nowadays anyway. it's all going to be perfectly okay, ty," he finishes his monologue with a soft smile on his face that i see out of the corner of my eye.

i turn to look at him fully and i can tell he's mostly sobered up. i'm surprised he's handling this so well and i feel guilty for dumping it on him. another thing i've messed up i guess.

"you can't really know that for sure."

he takes my hand in his. it's warm and soft and it makes my heartbeat go faster in my chest. "i do though."

-

i'm sitting in my room alone long after josh has left and the sun has set. my keyboard is sitting in front of me on my desk and i turn it on, making sure the volume is low.

i let my fingers move across the keys absentmindedly, my mind drifting to my conversation with josh on the roof earlier.

he remembered so many little details about me that i never would have expected him to have even noticed when we were friends in the first place. he's always been a better friend to me than i ever was to him and it makes me feel terrible.

i feel guilty for the way it made me feel when he held my hand earlier too. i feel... disgusted with myself. i wasn't raised to be homophobic, i don't have an issue with anyone else being gay or bi or whatever. so why does the thought of his hand in mine simultaneously give me butterflies and nausea? why is it so different now?

everything is different now.

i feel like i'm losing my grip on the world around me, like i'm grasping onto any branch i can while dangling over a thousand feet drop. it's terrifying and it's something i have no clue how to navigate.

i continue to play, my fingers angry and moving faster against the keys now. i play until nothing else exists, until i'm biting my tongue so hard i taste a hint of blood in my mouth and my eyes burn and i can feel my tears falling down my face.

when the keyboard below me is too blurry for me to continue, i bury my face in my hands, my sobs silent other than the heavy breaths wracking through me.

josh: you okay?

i sit up a bit and turn to my window. my blinds are open. i see josh sitting on his bed, leaning over to look through the glass. he waves a little, a worried expression on his face.

tyler: i guess

josh: want me to come over?

tyler: no

josh: do you want to come over here?

yes.

tyler: nah it's late, i'll just go to bed

tyler: but thank you

(an: woooooah boy. also i added some of the lyrics from the song hehe)