summer child // joshler

17

tyler's point of view

fuck.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

why did i do that? why would i do that? jesus christ.

"oh my god. um, i'm sorry. okay. fuck. alright, forget i did that. i'm sorry. i'm just gonna... go to sleep now. let's pretend that never happened. fuck. okay. i'm sorry." i speak quickly, repeating myself as i slide off of the hood of the car, walking as fast as i can to the tent without falling.

i zip the tent closed and don't bother changing before getting in my sleeping bag. tears fall silently down my cheeks, though i want nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs and sob until i can't breathe anymore.

i can't believe i did that. i kissed him. i kissed a boy. i kissed josh to be specific.

even though a part of me feels terrible, like i've completely ruined our friendship and made everything awkward forever, i can't deny the relief i felt when our lips touched. all of the built-up feelings that had been brewing finally spilled over and it felt amazing. it scares me how perfect it was, how right it felt to me. it was only a second, but it was soft and warm and so gentle.

it makes me panic even more thinking about what that means for me personally. if i recognize how much i enjoyed it, that makes it real. it's real now.

i sit in disbelief with the feeling of nasuea settling in my stomach. when i look over to the nightlight in the corner, i almost lose it all over again. i pick it up and turn it on before putting it back, a fresh wave of tears falling now.

i can't believe he remembered that, let alone brought something to make sure i felt comfortable instead of making fun of me for it like anyone else our age would have.

just like he remembered the doritos on my sandwich.

these small things are really getting to me lately and i try to calm myself down from my mental tug-of-war, to focus on anything else so i can at least try to fall asleep.

all that comes to mind are memories of my childhood, playing for me like a movie.

running around my backyard with josh through a sprinkler my mom had put out for her plants when we were three.

"boys, be careful! i don't want anyone getting hurt," my mother had called, a smile on her face as she watched us play.

"we wont!" i yelled back to her, continuing to chase josh in circles through the water.

he actually did end up falling not long after, scraping his knee. i helped him up and held his hand as my mother cleaned it, leaving a spongebob bandaid on top. she gave us both popsicles and told us to stay inside after that.

josh felt bad that we had to go inside because of him.

i remember sneaking out of my window and into his for the first time in fourth grade when my parents had their first huge fight.

i don't even know what they were arguing about, but i knocked on josh's window with tears in my eyes and he helped me inside without questioning it. he hugged me and let me cry, saying nothing.

we started sneaking into each other's windows almost every night the summer between fifth and sixth grade just to stay up talking and laughing, watching late night tv and playing video games until we passed out.

we'd play mario kart, some sonic game i can't recall the name of. we'd watch george lopez and old disney reruns, snacking on dry cereal and koolaid.

when we started ninth grade and i joined the basketball team and i started ignoring him. when i realized it'd been a month since we'd talked.

"honey, why haven't i seen josh lately?" my mom asked. "did something happen between you boys?"

"no." i shrugged it off, but when i went to my room, i looked out the window. his blinds were closed. i cried.

and then i think about when i went to his house for the first time in years not that long ago, how it was such a short amount of time before he was my best friend again, like nothing had ever separated us.

and how now, i might've fucked it up all over again. god, i am such an asshole.

i hear the tent unzip and zip back up. i listen as josh gets into his sleeping bag and gets comfortable. i should say something. anything. i just can't bring myself to. i can't face him.

i know i'll have to tomorrow. maybe i'll have something to say by then.

(an: shorter chapter and kind of a filler but there's also some moments from the song in here hehe i love adding little details like that in)