summer child // joshler

31

tyler's point of view

josh and i are lying on the roof together on our last saturday of the summer, my head on his chest and his arm around me. it's been a few weeks since i came out to my mom and this is how we've spent most of our time. watching the sunset from our special place, sharing kisses in the dark safety of his bedroom, laughing at each other's jokes (even when they aren't very good).

"school starts monday." i break the comfortable silence that had washed over us with what we're both thinking.

"are you scared?" he tilts his head to look down at me.

"a little."

he kisses the top of my head. "do you want me to stay with you?"

"could we stay at yours instead?"

i prefer josh's room to mine for a lot of reasons. my room feels like a reflection of the person i'm actively growing out of. josh's room feels like home. it smells like him, his cologne, his laundry detergent. it's perfectly josh.

"of course."

"do you wanna go ahead and go in..?" i ask, sitting up and looking down at him.

"sure." he sits up with me and leaves a soft kiss on my cheek before climbing off the roof.

i go next, meeting him on the ground of my backyard. we walk in through his front door and go straight to his room.

i'm greeted with the same comfort that i always feel in his space. a soft, warm calm overtaking my senses.

josh closes the door and then puts his hands on my waist, pulling me forward to give me one small kiss and then enveloping me into a hug, his face buried in my neck. i smile and hug him back tightly. this is my nirvana.

when we both pull away, i kick my shoes off and crawl into his bed, assuming my usual spot and watching him do the same. we lay next to each other, face to face with a few inches between us. a small smile rests on his lips and i'm sure i've got a matching one.

memories begin to run through my head again, new and old. i see us smushing our faces against the glass of our windows to make each other laugh as kids. i see birthday parties and easter egg hunts. i see us in sunday school together, giggling and coloring at a table in the back. riding our bikes up and down the street.

i watch us grow up together through rosy lenses. taking trips to get fast food on the late nights we've had recently. sharing sodas at the movies and holding hands as the lights go down.

so much has been changing, within myself and our relationship.

i want this night to stretch out forever. i want this perfect moment to be framed in the halls of my mind, untouchable.

and that's when i feel the shift. it's a sudden tug towards him in my bones, like the string connecting us has wound just that much tighter. i see the future in his eyes, the present in his lips, the feeling of everything all at once electric when my hand reaches out to touch his face.

it all makes sense now.

"what's going on in that brain of yours, ty?" he whispers, draping his arm over me.

"i love you, josh." i thought it'd be scarier to say these words, that my stomach would drop and i'd feel every muscle tense, but i've never felt more sure, more right, more content than i do right now.

he smiles a little wider, like he already knew. he makes it so easy to love him. "i love you too, tyler."

i close the small distance between us and kiss him, our lips moving together perfectly, effortlessly, easily. i don't want it to end. i don't want to stop here. i want all of him in every way, every inch of tan skin, every freckle, every laugh, every word, every thought. i want it all.

"josh, i..." i pause, wondering how to word it without sounding desperate (even though that's precisely what i am). "i think i want to, like... i want you."

i watch realization cross his face, his eyes widening just a bit. "oh. i, um... are you sure? that's a big, uh... a big step, especially since we've not... done anything else. i don't want you to feel like we have to do anything just because we said that," he rambles nervously, having hard time maintaining eye contact.

"i know. we don't have to if you're not comfortable." i reassure him this time, brushing my thumb across his cheek.

"no, no. i just... you're sure?"

"i'm sure." i pause. "are you?"

"yes."

he kisses me again, starting slowly. it becomes heavier and he shifts to hold himself up over me, his hands on either side of me as he dips his head lower to kiss my neck. i bring one of my hands to his chest and let the other play with his hair.

"josh?" i say his name barely above a whisper, scared that if i speak too loudly, everything will collapse.

"you okay?" he pulls his mouth away from my skin immediately, concern evident in his eyes.

i giggle a little then, my nerves creeping up on me. "i was just going to ask if you could take your shirt off?"

the concern on his face melts into relief and he tugs the t-shirt off quickly. i sit up just enough to take mine off before throwing it to the floor next to his.

he looks down at my skin and then kisses my lips once before moving down my neck, continuing the trail down my chest and back up again.

the night is carried on with shaky hands, soft lips, passionate kisses, and reassuring whispers.

it feels like the sun after it's just made its reappearance in the early morning. the smell of the rain in the summer, the dew drops collecting on each blade of grass, the thunder that rumbles in the clouds, the spot where the ocean meets the sky.

it's heaven, it's divinity. it's trust and intimacy and love.

we lay next to each other after, my head on his chest again and all of our clothes on the floor, leaving us covered in a light sheen of sweat and a blanket.

"i love you, josh," i say it again, because i can and i want to.

"i love you too, tyler." he pauses, still catching his breath a bit. "are you, um... are you sure you're okay? did i hurt you or anything?"

"no, i'm okay. you didn't hurt me at all. i'm a little sore, but i feel great." i lift my head to kiss his jaw, my cheeks still flushed. "thank you."

"why are you thanking me? i should be thanking you." he pulls away a little to look at me.

"well, not just for that. also for being there for me all summer, for helping me and never judging me. i didn't think i'd ever get this kind of happiness, that i'd ever be this comfortable with myself or being this close to anyone else.

"and i'm sorry to get heavy i guess, but i'm not going to lie to you. i'm scared for monday. i don't want anything to happen to us and i'm so afraid of ruining this, of hurting you."

"hey, it's gonna be okay. i trust you and no matter what happens... we always had this summer, yeah?" he gives me a soft smile that doesn't meet his eyes and i can tell that he's scared, that he needed to say that for himself just as much as for me.

that's when the sinking feeling comes back, the impending doom, the raincloud that follows me around and waits behind my back for me to let it in.

i'm going to fuck it up, arent i?

(an: robbed u of the smut but in my mind it was very soft and sweet and awkward at some points with cute giggling and a lot of love)