Bᴀʙʏ Hᴏsᴇᴏᴋ °ˢᵒᵖᵉ°└ᵒⁿ ᵍᵒⁱⁿᵍ┐

Chapter 29 Jungkook

The truth is, the chapter came out a bit sad and touches on sensitive issues, so read with discretion, okay?

There are times when our brain protects us from our own memories and blocks them forever.  A defense mechanism in situations, as in the case of Jungkook, of family violence.  That is, the largest (if not almost all) part of his childhood.

Except for one or two flashbacks where he's playing in the park with his mother or helping her bake a cake, there's nothing but blurry images afterwards.  It was always like that, he only lives in the moment and does not stop to remember the past because he knows that nothing good is going to come out of it.

It's all because of his supposed father.  He stole childhood memories and it hurt from him. He doesn't even have a good memory of him, it's a black cloud of blurry images and screaming, lots of screaming.

When he turned twelve, everything was more bearable.  His mother finally got the courage to leave home and start from scratch, "Now it's us against the world, love" she told him that day, with tears in her eyes and a bitter smile.

And after that moment, he remembers everything.  His new school, the fear generated by being surrounded by many unknown people and more when his shyness did not help much.

The first few weeks he was alone, sitting in the front row, close to the teachers (because being close to them gave him a certain security and he felt protected) and when he got home he lied to his mother about it, he didn't want to make her sad.

Some nights, he felt that he was not a good son, that although his mother always tells him that it is the best thing that happened to him, he does not think the same way.

As much as his mother tells him how much she loves him, deep down he feels that it is not so.

He doesn't feel enough.  And he wants to cry.  He wants to be more, but he doesn't know how to be.

And he feels an emptiness in his chest that he doesn't know how to fill, little holes of insecurities that started getting bigger as the years went by.

He couldn't accept himself, and during the day he was fine but night came and with it all his insecurities and that desire to want to die because, shit, what was he?

A teenager who works hard to get good grades to make his mother proud, give her reasons to smile?  A teenager who can barely get to the blackboard without babbling?  One who can't look into the eyes of the people he talks to?

A teenager who pretends to believe his mother when she tells him "it's nothing" while she throws away threatening letters from his father?  One who feels useless for not knowing

How to help her exactly? One who clings to anything, that he is perfect in everything he does because, deep down, he is terrified of feeling useless?

One who deep down seeks the validation of others to feel good about himself?

One who doesn't know how to ask for help?  One who longs for things to be different every day?

One who, when he hits rock bottom, sometimes thinks that the solution lies in lowering a jar of pills into his stomach?

Yes, he is all that and more.

And he knows that the only reason he doesn't take that jar of pills, or never stop for more than two seconds when stopping over a bridge, is because of his mother.  Because she's happy, despite all the shit she's smiling, fighting to get ahead for him.  Both were the other's reason for life.

And Jungkook loves his mother, but not her life.

And he tried to convince himself everything was fine.

Until he came back.

And he couldn't defend himself.

And now his mother was lying on a stretcher, injured and fighting for her life.

And he couldn't do anything for her but pray, to whoever it is, that he pull through.

Because his mother is his driving force, because his mother deserves to live.

He should have done more... he should have reported his father, he should have insisted to his mother not to throw away those letters and take them to a police station to file a complaint.  He must ...

He must have done so many things.

Right now, he feels again like that child who felt frustrated seeing his mother cry and that his little kisses did not make the wounds on her face disappear, nor did they make her feel better.

But he was no longer a child and his mother was much worse than in those memories.  And that unsettled him.

"Sorry, mom," he broke off, grabbing her hand and resting his forehead against it.  Ignoring that Min Yoongi's mom was looking at him from behind her and trying to hold back her own tears. "Do not leave me please.  It's us against the world, remember? I promise to be good, to be a better son. But do not leave me. Please wake up."

And that was enough for Hyorin, she had made her decision.