ELIZA

CHAPTER TEN: CONFESSION

My head was bursting with questions, but I didn't say anything. I wanted Barb to say everything what was on her mind.

"He broke up with me," she murmured, pretending lack of interest. "He broke up with me because of you," she shrugged as if she didn't care.

"I didn't do anything," I said quietly.

"You talked to him, that was enough," she snapped.

I thought it wasn't a sin to talk to someone, but I guess I was wrong. If Barb's eyes could kill, I'd be dead at that moment. I didn't even take off my jacket or shoes, so I only retreated to the door.

"And I just wanted to tell you about the trip with Cosmo," of course it wasn't entirely true, but I wanted to make her feel guilty. She got at me right away, explaining nothing.

I turned on my heel and left her apartment. I was confused. Barb just told me that Tom broke up with her because of me. So he must have had feelings for me. The discovery itself made me almost jump up and down with excitement. Of course I was dissatisfied with talking to my friend, but it didn't overshadow my happiness.

Or maybe... He just might have wanted an excuse, so he came up with the first thing that came to his mind? Immediately I felt as if somebody crushed me to the ground. Yes, it had to be that way. I was definitely just an excuse.

I walked past the café where I met Tom alone for the first time, discussing a surprise party for Barb. A heavy weight seemed to hang upon my heart and wouldn't let go. Even if it were true and Tom felt something more than friendship for me, I couldn't do anything with that knowledge. I couldn't cause Barb such suffering, not now, when I knew that it hurt her.

I felt a vibration in my pocket, and I took out my phone in disbelief. I think I pulled Tom subconsciously - I saw his name and surname on the screen of my mobile phone. For a moment I hesitated if I should talk to him at all. But who was I trying to fool? I dreamt of hearing his voice, seeing his face and smile.

"Hello," I said politely.

"Hi," I heard some relief.

"Yes, I'm alive, Cosmo didn't kill me," I didn't know why, but I said it heartlessly. As if I was upset that he wanted to check if I was okay.

Afraid he would hang up because he found me rude, I added:

"I was at Barb's a moment ago."

"Ah, yes," he sighed heavily. "And what did she tell you?"

"Not much, she was angry with me."

I bit my lip, curious about his reaction.

"Can we meet?"

Yes, I wanted it very much because I wanted to know where I stood. However, I was also a bit afraid of disappointment. My heart pounded with fear, as if waiting for the results of an important exam. And it was up to me to decide.

"Okay. Right now I'm standing in front of the café where we usually went. We can meet here now, I'll wait for you," I announced after a moment.

I didn't wait long for him, as if he was wandering around in the hope that I would come to Barb and he could meet me. We greeted coolly, officially shaking hands.

We ordered hot chocolate when we came inside, exactly the same one as we had when we met a few months ago.

Even though I saw him recently, just before leaving with Cosmo, I had the impression that I saw him years later.

He had a slight stubble and tired eyes. A strange thought flashed through my mind that maybe because of me he looked like this because he was worried about my trip by the seaside. I didn't know the truth, but my thoughts made my hope revive. Naturally, I didn't tell him about it.

"You wanted to talk," I reminded him of the purpose of our meeting. He certainly didn't want to just see me.

"Yes, that's right," he agreed.

He folded his hands together, rubbing them nervously. I knew that he wanted to get something off his chest, but I was afraid that I would find out soon that he couldn't live without Barb and he would ask me to help him get back to her. Oh yes, the collision of my dreams with reality could be like a collision with a speeding train. However, the reality far surpassed my dreams.

"I got into a fight with Barb, I didn't want to..." he began, but immediately corrected himself. "I couldn't fool her and myself anymore."

"What are you talking about?" 

My eyes widened as he grabbed my hand.

"Tell me, please, are you and Cosmo something serious?"

The desperation in his eyes was almost laughable. But he was dead serious, so I stayed calm. Due to the fact that he asked about my relationship, and actually didn't tell me what he wanted from me, I opted for neutrality.

"I don't know, we had some nice days."

"But... do you love him?"

No. I didn't love Cosmo because I was in love with him. But could I tell him that? Not yet. I was too scared. Even if all the signs showed that I wasn't indifferent to him, I was still afraid of being ridiculed and rejected.

"No, I don't," I said finally.

Tom's face relaxed. Even the hand he held on mine loosened its grip.

"That's great news," he said, smiling a little as if to confirm his words. "You see, if you loved Cosmo, I shouldn't have told you that on that night when you rode off with him on a motorbike, I realized something."

My heart started pounding like crazy. I was even afraid I wouldn't hear Tom properly.

"I care about you," he blurted out bluntly, "very much. Of course, I was aware of it earlier, but I didn't want to hurt Barb, so I was stuck in the relationship. The night we met in front of your apartment was the worst night in my life, especially with my knowledge that Cosmo..."

"was in prison," I finished instead of him. "Yes, he told me about it. He was honest with me."

"Really? " he was surprised. "And you don't mind that he killed a woman?" he made a puzzled face. "Eventually I may not know you as well as I thought."

"A woman? " I was intrigued only by this information. "And that wasn't the man who attacked him?"

Tom shook his head.

"It was definitely a woman. But I don't know the details."

This news shocked me. So much that I couldn't even enjoy Tom's confession anymore. Because... why was Cosmo lying? He must have had something on his conscience if he didn't tell me the truth. A woman? The woman couldn't attack him, couldn't put the knife to his throat. Probably, right...?

"I know that he was released after a few months, and that was the only reason I let you go to the seaside with him. Apparently he was innocent," Tom excused himself.

It was easy for him to switch from his feelings to Cosmo. Apparently, he thought my short answers meant I felt something special for Cosmo. So I had to show him that I, too, had more than friendship for him.

"When you started to like me..." I wanted to put it nicely, but it didn't go well, "more?"

He hesitated. He really thought about my question, analyzing his feelings.

"I think during our secret meetings when we organized Barb's birthday," he smiled. "We're alike in many ways. We look at life in a similar way, we're interested in the same things. We're guided by the same values ​​that our parents passed on to us; Barb has a different approach, probably because she herself comes from a broken family, she doesn't want to start her own. She isn't interested in declarations, she doesn't want to get attached to anyone. I figured it out a little late, but maybe... " he looked at me nervously, "maybe it's not too late? Do you like me even a little?"

Like? I loved him!

I nodded my head.

"Because I... like you very much," our conversation could be funny to outsiders, probably people show their feelings differently, but for me this moment was something special. Remarkable.

We looked into each other's eyes when I realized that he had something else to tell me.

"I even... I think I love you."