SAY YOU SAY ME

CHAPTER 12

It wasn't even past sunrise when Arushi couldn't lie down in her bed anymore. Her bedside clock read 3.45 and the day read 12th August.

Sleep wasn't something she was used to, not on this day, the day that had changed everything. She knew for a fact, no matter how many years went by, this day would always evoke the scariest of her emotions and the darkest corners of her heart.

The room, its air and everything around her made her feel suffocated as if she had been struggling for breath since ages and she decided to get some fresh air in the veranda.

The breeze was light, the streets empty, the streetlights dimly lit the neighbourhood which had fallen silent, like death had creeped in its own good time and taken away with it all the din and commotion that ever could be. Fireflies cannot be seen in or near cities or she would have definitely heard their buzz or even seen one or two of them.

Arushi stood there, silent. She felt tired, not physically but emotionally. She felt like every ounce of strength that could be in her had been sucked out by somebody and that she was just a frail body with no mind of her own, no senses. She looked up blankly at the sky. She did believe that her favourite ones were all up there, shining bright upon her, keeping a check on her all the time. She would instinctively know which one was her grandma, which her grandpa. Or maybe, she loved to believe that she knew.

But why couldn't she find him among the stars? Or did she ever try hard enough? Above all, did she want to? She knew not, nor would she ever have the courage to ask herself that.

She might have gone around throwing the impression that she had been fine all this while, but it couldn't have been more a lie. She was running too, running from every memory that pulled her back to the dark. It was almost as if she was running behind a train, her hand almost reaching out for it, but never being able to get up on it ever. It was as if with every breath she was losing herself to her demons.

Arushi could feel warm tears roll down her cheeks and she couldn't help but smile languidly. She was too exhausted with everything running on her mind. She wanted herself back, the same being she was ten years ago. She wanted everything life had offered her ten years ago. She didn't want to settle for this.

................................................................................................

Ahaan was lying down on his bed, eyes wide open. It was the 12th of August. The day he always wished had had never come, the day he lost everything, the day that changed him and his life by drastic measures. It was the day that finally made him question his existence, if he even deserved to live, if he even deserved anything in life at all.

He recalled how he'd think there would be a way for him to make things alright, that out of nowhere he'd get all that was taken away from him in a moment's snap and that there'd be smiles all around but every time he'd look into the mirror, all he'd ever see would be his face, the face that would remind him of how he loathed the man he was, how his existence could wipe of any glimpses of joy from miles away, how he was nothing but evil, the demon incarnate.

He had relived the entire incident so many times in his mind and yet surprisingly, the intensity of what had happened hadn't decreased any ounce. His was the same vivid memory of horror and terror that clouded his mind, the same scenario, the smell of blood, the dead stare, the hospital and everything. He had gone through what had happened that day innumerable number of times in his head and yet his memories would always bring him the same experience as if he was there, right there at the moment and the weak fragile hand was waiting for his help, for him to rescue him, to give him life and he couldn't reach out to the hand, no matter how much he tried.

He felt incredibly restless with a deepening pang right around his chest that could make his heart explode any minute.

"I deserve it all."- he whispered to himself.

He couldn't help but think of Arushi. What might she be doing? Ahaan had been selfish in his pain but Arushi hadn't. She hadn't let go off Khala's hand, rather she'd brought her into light, given her a life she deserved, made her smile. How could she have been so strong after what she had endured?

He wanted to talk to her badly. He wanted to tell her all that he felt, his grief, his guilt, all that was going on in his mind that made his heart pain, of how he had been reliving the same nightmare over and over again. He wanted to tell her how he too hated himself probably much more than she did. He wanted so bad to tell it all to her, right away. He knew she'd understand, she had always been so understanding. But was he ready to let go off all his veils and expose his vulnerabilities, to naked his soul and talk about his pain? Why, could he ever be ready? ................................................................................................

The cab had arrived and Ahaan and Khala were waiting for Arushi. She came within a minute and sat beside Khala giving her a warm, hug. Both embraced each other with moist eyes. For over these ten years, it had been Arushi and only her by Khala during her difficult days and times. Khala had this special love, warmth and care for Arushi and she would always treasure this gem of a girl. She knew how to exude warmth and comfort for others, she knew when to hug, when to just give the other person some space, when to indulge in silence, when to use words. She had been more than what Khala could ever have wanted or deserved.

Throughout their cab ride, none of the three exchanged much words. They all felt silence was far better. It was not like none of them wanted to say things to the one another, although they had so much to say. All they could feel was their lips tighten and their throats parch; they were scared to talk, scared to share their vulnerabilities, scared to cry. Even though they had faced the reality for all these ten years, it still scared them, to their death.

Getting down from the cab, all three could feel their feet freeze, like if they didn't walk through, time would undo all that had happened. Khala could feel fear gripping her heart strong, like several knives were being stabbed all at the same time. It pained it, why would it not? But she knew there was no turning back. She had to make it like she made it every year. She had always been courageous, a single working parent who went to hell and back to make ends meet. She would also live up to that image of a mother because it was the only way she could feel worthwhile in her life. She took her first step and kept on walking gradually, with each step demanding more and more from her, overwhelming her with memories, with emotions of fear, hopelessness, pain, anger and what not. She held onto herself and kept moving. There was no turning back from the truth and her Allah had taught her that.

Ahaan and Arushi followed her. Khala's strength gave them some semblance of hope.

All three of them continued with their slow strides until they came and stood in front of the one who had sealed them all together- the epitaph of Amir Ahmed Khan, the white stone engraved in which was- "Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees/ I will wait for you/And should I fall behind wait for me"

Please do vote, share and comment.

................................................................................................