SAY YOU SAY ME

CHAPTER 14

THE PAST-XIII

TEN YEARS AGO

Ahaan could feel his whole body in a lot of pain. His head throbbed bad and it felt as if someone was trying to pull apart his limbs from him. His eyes felt heavy and he had no intention of opening them, but he did. He slowly opened his eyes, scrunching them in pain even as he tried to move his body a bit and sit up. He could hear the distinct sound of the drip and he could also smell the antiseptic. His head swirled bad but he still tried getting up a bit. He was about to lose balance when he was carefully gripped by his uncle.

He looked up at him, a lot of questions swimming in his head.

His uncle carefully laid him back on the bed.

"How do you feel, beta?"

"Where am I?"

"In the nursing home, son. The truck driver was kind enough. The doctor says you were brought in time. There are no major injuries, no fractures or otherwise. There are mostly deep wounds and muscle injuries. The doctor says about 3 days here more and you're good to go..." and he stopped. Ahaan knew what he was talking about. It is usually preferable not to mention the accident to a victim who has just regained his senses. The doctors must have told his uncle so.

Ahaan didn't want to talk much. He had one thought riveting in his mind, making him restless. He was scared, really scared. His throat had parched and his eyes continuously tried to look outside of his room and catch the glimpse of someone familiar.

He couldn't muster up the courage to ask. He was in the car, he had experienced the horror of the accident, more so he knew how he was thrusted out of the car, purposefully and then went onto see how the car had toppled down in ruins. He knew that at that moment, there could be one choice to be made and Amir had made one. He regretted his choice, he regretted it deeply. But his mind was clouded with hope. He reminded himself of how the car had not toppled down any cliff or something, it had just the hit the ground not twice or something, but once. Nothing major could've happened with just one such such topple, could it? Cars are not fragile anymore, are they? Surely, he must have made it. Surely, he must be in the adjacent room, sipping his favourite soup or something.

"How long have I been passed out like this?"

"It's been about 5 hours or something, son."

"Okay."

No, he didn't want to know how long had he been lying there on the hospital bed, all he wanted to know was about Amir. How was he? Were there any bone fractures? Was there any surgery needed?

He wanted badly to know of him, to see him, to talk to him, to crack the same old jokes with him, to replay those songs and sing them on the top of their most vile and distasteful voices.

He could find his uncle standing close to him, rubbing his hands together, staring here and there and taking frequent gulps. He suddenly felt a sense of anger towards him. Why stand there and make him feel like doom had come? Did he want to tell him something? Was he afraid to tell him so? What was it?

He couldn't handle the suspense anymore and he asked- "Where's Amir?"

His uncle couldn't stare at him, he just looked at the ground even as he shook uncontrollably, breaking down. Ahaan felt a churning in his stomach.

"Uncle! Where's Amir?"

"He's no more, son. He's no more."- Ahaan's uncle couldn't stop himself from sobbing.

That was it. The end of the world for Ahaan. He lay there staring at his uncle while his uncle couldn't help but sit down on one of the sofas.

"The doctors declared him spot dead as soon as he was brought into the hospital along with you. I am so sorry, son. I am so sorry."

Ahaan slipped deep down into his bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. He didn't ask if his uncle was speaking the truth or not. He was speaking the truth and deep down by the distance the car had toppled, practically none in the car would have made it. It was he who was foolish enough to think otherwise, he who was foolish enough to have gone with the highway plan. He was to blame, and no one else. But why didn't he pay the price? Why didn't a car run over him too? Why did he have to stay put there on the road while his brother was inside the car? WHY?

Thoughts and emotions were whirling in his head like a wind pool taking all of him down. His memories were vivid, fresh and detailed. He relived them over and over again, of the crash, the shards of glass exploding here and there, the screeching sound of the car, the steering wheel making its own trajectory, him being pushed out of the car, the car then making a volt and toppling down with a thud.

He closed his eyes and he could visualize all of them in perfect sequence. He could visualize all of it. For a moment, he felt as if he was standing right on the road, watching all of it happen in real time. He wanted to run and get Amir out of the car as soon as possible, he attempted to move his legs but they wouldn't budge. He tried so hard to move them, to run to him, to get him out, to give him some air to breathe and all he could find was how his feet refused to move an inch.

He felt an insurmountable amount of guilt, almost as if he had conspired and cooked up a plot to kill his brother. He did, didn't he? He knew his punishment was to relive the same nightmare over and over again. He didn't want to be there, around anybody, anymore- neither Khala nor Arushi. He couldn't bear to stand in front of them, to look up to them, to stare at their eyes. For Khala, he was worse than any enemy that could ever be. He knew both Khala and Arushi would hate him for what he did and for what he was about to do, but he couldn't go back to standing in front of them. He just couldn't.

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Ahaan hadn't shed tears, he had just remained stoic, expressionless all along. His grief had consumed his tears, engulfed him in some remote darkness. He felt numb, passive, almost as good as dead. For his stay at the hospital, he had strictly requested no visitors to be allowed. He didn't want to talk nor let others be in his room. He just wanted the room to himself, his darkness and his guilt. Apart from the doctors, sisters and his uncle visiting him once a day, he would stay in that room all by himself.

On the fourth day, he went back home with his uncle and after two weeks he boarded his flight to the US and left, he believed, for everyone's good.

He had nothing left behind except for darkness, guilt and grief. He knew he would be shunned anyhow. He knew he couldn't have what he had. Khala, Arushi, Amir and their love, their care, their concern- he had lost everything and so did he deserve. He made his choice. He wasn't moving on, he was on the run, running from everything and everyone he felt might shun him. He knew this was a dead end, there was nothing he could do running away like a fool, Amir wouldn't come back, and neither would Khala and Arushi ever accept him like they did earlier. He had lost his brother, his best friend and a semblance of a mother he had. He was doomed for the rest of his life.

With nothing at hand and nothing left for him in Delhi anymore, he boarded his flight to the US.

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