Wreaking Havoc

tredecim

I was lost for words the entire day. I couldn't even focus on our OB I quiz because my head was spinning kaya pakiramdam ko kung anu-ano na lang ang isinagot ko... ni wala akong maintindihan buong araw. My mind was just on constant haywire thinking about Eli... about my parents. 

We both wanted what happened that night... but suddenly I was scared that all of a sudden, there is a growing life inside of me that I knew I needed to protect.

God... just thinking about what my mom would do when she learns that I'm pregnant.

I was disoriented when we went home. Pareho lang kaming tahimik ni Astrid sa sasakyan, pero mas maayos na rin 'yun dahil hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba'ng dapat kong sabihin—but I wasn't regretting anything. If any, I was happy.

I was genuinely happy... and I have already thought of how I would foster her so she could grow in an environment that she truly deserves. Because ever since then, that's what I've always sworn to myself as someone who grew up with abusive parents who never saw how abusive they have become just because they pampered me with luxury... 

Because for them, I should just be thankful because I had everything money could buy.

"Therese," Astrid called dahilan para mapalingon ako sa kaniya. "Will you really not tell Elias?"

Tipid akong ngumiti bago umiling, "You know how he is, Astrid. It'll just be harder for the both of us kung malalaman niya pa... besides what's the use? We can't be together anymore. I'll leave the country, and I'll probably never come back... I don't know."

Astrid sighed, "Therese... does it even make sense that you're already giving up on him when you haven't even explored your options? You have everything to help him. I can help you... you know that."

I bit my lower lip.

"I know," I uttered. "I know we have a lot of options, but... but you know mom—she has the power more than us. And they're friends with your family, I'm sure whatever we do, my mom will just pull some more strings just so she'd get Eli expelled kung hindi ko siya iiwanan. All these will be over once I leave, Astrid. That's the only way I could think of."

Astrid sighed, again, and held my hand, "I'm sorry..."

I shook my head and smiled, "You don't have to be sorry, Astrid. I chose this... kaya kailangan kong panindigan," sambit ko. "Don't worry, I'll let him know someday."

Astrid smiled bago nagpaalam at pumasok na sa loob ng unit niya. When I finally got inside my unit, hindi ko na napigilang mapaiyak. Napasandal ako sa dingding habang hinahayaan lang tumulo 'yung luha... I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong for our kid, but everything was just pushing me off the edge. Gusto ko lang naman ng normal na buhay... pero bakit lagi na lang nagiging komplikado lahat? 

I was clutching my chest tightly when Manang went outside of her room and saw me breaking down. Hindi siya nagsalita at niyakap lang ako nang sobrang higpit para mapakalma ako. Manang was just hugging me for minutes hanggang sa unti-unti na'kong kumalma at tumigil sa pag-iyak.

"Nak... bakit?" I probably looked pathetic because I was just staring blankly. I was trying to process everything, pero pakiramdam ko lagi na lang akong bumabalik sa square one. I readied myself for this kind of pain because I've always known that it was inevitable.

Akala ko kaya ko na.

Hindi pa pala.

Ang bigat-bigat...

Saglit akong napatingin kay manang at ngumiti nang pilit, "Manang... pakiramdam ko masisiraan na'ko ng bait. Kasi kahit naman gusto kong lumaban... alam ko naman na kailangan ko ring tapusin... Gustong-gusto kong lumaban kasi mahal na mahal ko siya, pero ayaw ko namang mag-regret kaming pareho..." Just when I thought my eyes were tired enough already from all that crying, loud sobs still escaped my lips and every word that escaped my mouth were breaking.