Wreaking Havoc

duodētrīgintā

Days rolled in at habang tumatagal, mas lalong hindi ko natatanggap na totoo pala talaga lahat ng nangyayari... na hindi pala talaga ako nananaginip. Everything felt so heavy. Seeing my own daughter inside a casket, and my sister being arrainged... Everyone would probably judge me as an undeserving sister, pero masisisi ba nila ako?

All I wanted was the best for my daughter. Sobrang dami ko pang pangarap para sa kaniya... Hindi pa rin pumapasok sa utak ko lahat ng nangyayari... 'Yung katawan niyang duguan. 'Yung mga saksak sa tiyan at binti niya... Pakiramdam ko dinadalaw na'ko lagi ng imahe niyang nakahandusay gabi-gabi. Ni hindi na'ko makatulog dahil 'yun na lang lagi ang napapanaginipan ko. Parang tatakasan na'ko ng bait.

Lahat ng 'yun... ginawa niya. Ginawa ng kapatid ko.

It was my daughter's burial... Ni hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Ni hindi ko kayang matulog—I haven't even slept a wink the whole week because I was just crying... I didn't care about anyone else already. I was badly hurt... Ni hindi ko alam kung pa'no ako babangon ulit. Pakiramdam ko wala nang silbi 'tong buhay ko.

Bakit si Mary pa? Bakit hindi na lang ako?

Gaano ba'ko kasama na sobrang daming ninanakaw sa'kin?

Hindi pa ba sapat na pinili ko lang naman na matupad namin pareho 'yung pangarap namin ni Eli? Was that cruel? Was I really that cruel that I had to endure this much pain?

Pagod na pagod na'ko...

"Therese... 'yung gymnastics instructor tsaka 'yung mga kaklase ni Mary." Tinulungan naman ako ni Astrid na makatayo mula sa kinauupuan ko at pinilit na ngumit kahit bahagya man lang bago nakipagkamay kay Teacher Felix.

"Salamat po sa pagpunta," sambit ko. Ngumiti naman si Felix at marahang tinapik ang balikat ko.

"Mommy... I'm really sorry for your loss," Felix uttered. I flashed a weak smile and sighed. "Mary's classmates are all here to offer their condolences... Mary's a good friend to everyone. I heard she was also the smartest in their class... She was taken too soon."

Napatango na lang ako napangiti na lang ulit bago napaupo. Mary's instructor, who was also one of Mary's advisers sat beside me, tapping my shoulder, "The whole academy will be conducting a tribute for Mary this week... We also organized a charity to help in any way we can... it's the least we can do for Mary."

Tears started to fall from my eyes. Niyakap naman ako ni Teacher Felix, "Thank you..."

At least... I knew I let Mary grow up into a fine young lady... that's good enough for me.

When Mary's coffin was being lowered down the ground, there was a lot of wailing from my Lola and Mary's classmates... pero hindi na'ko makaiyak... Gustuhin ko mang umiyak pero pakiramdam ko namamanhid na lang ako. Nakatitig lang ako habang tinatabunan nila ng lupa 'yung kabaong ni Mary.

Ano ba'ng dapat kong maramdaman?

Tatanggapin ko na lang ba'to?

Ganito na lang ba talaga 'yun?

"Wala... wala ba si Eli?" tanong ko kay Astrid nang matabunan na nila ng lupa at nagsimula nang umuwi 'yung mga pumunta. I wore my glasses and let Astrid and Keith hug me habang si Andrei naman ay hinatid si Lola sa parking lot bago bumalik. Everything still feels like a nightmare and I just want to wake up from this bad dream.

"Astrid... I need to call Eli."

She frowned, "Therese..."

I shook my head, "Please, I need to call Eli."

Napa-buntonghininga na lang si Astrid bago kinuha 'yung phone niya at tinawagan si Eli.

"Yes?"