toxic

loving

"we need to talk."

i look up from my mug of coffee and stare at you. you're sitting across from me and your fingers are twiddling, a habit of yours that you always do whenever you're struggling to voice out your thoughts. a sinking feeling spreads through my stomach, and i try to tune out the rapid beating of my heart that thumps against my ears.

i wait for you to gather your thoughts as you stare at the wooden table. you won't look at me, knowing that one gaze into your eyes will answer all my questions. you don't want to be an open book to me, not at this moment. i don't think you realize that i can still read you easily, but i keep my mouth shut, bracing myself for the storm that is about to come.

"my beautiful angel," you begin, clearing your throat, talking in low whispers. "i love you so much. i know that we've been through heaven together, and i know that we've also been through hell together. there were times when you were the reason for my happiness and there were times when you were the reason for my pain. and i hurt you in ways that cannot be reversed nor fixed, and there will never be a moment that passes by when i don't regret all that i've done, or hated all that you've done, but at the end of the day, if there is anything constant about us, it is that i love you and you love me."

you look up from the table and fix your green eyes on mine. they are clouded and confused, and the expression on your face is so unreadable that for the first time, i don't know what's going on in your mind.

"the first day i had met you," you continue, still twiddling your fingers back and forth. "i knew you were the one. the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one i would love with everything i had, the one i would pour my heart to until there was nothing left in me. hell, i even told my dad about you. i usually never tell him about anyone."

you pause abruptly. for a few moments, you remain silent, looking as if you're trying to gather your courage. eventually, you take a deep breath and stand up. you walk towards me, and my heart jumps out of my chest as i watch you kneel down and take my hand in yours.

"i don't have enough money for a ring," you laugh a little nervously, sadness brimming in your eyes. "i can't give you the world. you deserve all of it, all of the happiness and beauty in this universe, but i can't give it to you. but i still ... i still want you. i'm selfish and reckless and i hurt you and i let you hurt me and i don't remember the last day i felt sane ..." your words are coming out rushed now, and there's a look of uncertainty on your face and a sound of shakiness in your voice as you say, "but i love you. more than anything in the entire world. more than myself, more than my sanity, more than the entire concept of happiness itself. my love ... will you marry me?"

i almost can't believe the words that come out of your mouth; i'd been so ready to hear you say goodbye again that nothing in the world could have prepared me for the shock that comes with your question. i hesitate before i reply, still trying to recover from the surprise, but i quickly kiss you, laughing and smiling more than i have in the last few months.

"yes," i tell you hurriedly, noticing the look of panic on your face. "of course I will. yes, yes, yes." your worried expression changes to a relieved one, and your eyes light up just like they had when we had first met. you quickly wrap your arms around my waist and stand up, kissing me happily. the world is spinning and suddenly neither of us feel completely broken, anymore, and i know that the happiness is temporary. i know this feeling of elation will soon disappear and one of us will end up hurting the other, but i don't care. and neither do you.

we climb up to our rooftop, staring out at the city, hand in hand. "i don't have a lot of money, and i don't have a ring," you tell me as we stare at the busy streets and city life. "but i do have the ability to do this," you say, grinning at me with that same crooked, mischievous smile i had first fallen for. you raise both your arms into the air, pulling my arm with yours, and you scream towards the sky:

"I LOVE YOU."