toxic

you.

the thing about our story is that it doesn't have a sad ending. it doesn't have a beautiful ending or a tragic twist to it or an unexpected finale that serves as the spectacular "the end."

see, our story never ends. the moment our story began was the moment we both sold our souls to the devil itself: love. and love burned us to the stakes and it ripped us to pieces and it tried to fix us again but it refused to set us free.

all my life, i'd read books and watched movies about all types of love: innocent love, unrequited love, love that had the ability to overcome anything that life threw in its way, love that had the most beautiful kinds of sensations, love that was never meant to be, love that never really felt right. i'd heard about them all, all these kinds of love, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for our love.

toxic love. the type of love that swallows you whole and burns you from within; the type of love that consumes your soul and refuses to ever set you free; the type of love that becomes the one addiction that is absolutely impossible to overcome.

for us, every day is a battle; some days, we fight side by side, and others, we fight each other. but the outcome of each battle is always the same; no winners, just two beaten down and worn out survivors whose only solace comes in loving each other.

neither of us are the same, anymore. before we fell in love, we were simply two pure souls looking for something more in life, something more in this world; and then we found each other, and everything changed as we fell in love. the world shifted and the ground began to spin and the stars began to align into new constellations we'd never dreamed of.

i remember spending countless days and nights trying to write about our love. i wanted to write about you and i wanted to write about us but no combination of words seemed to encapsulate the wonder that is our love; sometimes you would try to describe our love too, through your paintings, but after hours and hours of attempting to depict our love, you'd always end up staring at a blank canvas. and i'd always be next to you, staring at a blank paper.

what are we and why are we in love? we've been looking everywhere for an answer. all we know is that we've tried, we've tried so hard to move on from each other and release ourselves from this prison that we've created with our love, but nothing ever seems to work. i've lost count of how many times you walked out of our door, promising me that you would never return. and you've lost count of how many times i told you i never wanted to see you again. but the truth of it all is that no matter how many times we say goodbye, we always find our way back to each other. because we belong to each other. because we need each other.

we got married on a bitter december evening next to a frozen little lake where you'd first told me you loved me. only a few of our closest friends came and the ceremony was simple and short, and we had written our own vows. on that day we both made promises we knew we would never be able to keep, but we made them anyways for the sake of the sanity of our love, for the sake of the sanity of ourselves. you promised never to hurt me and i promised never to leave your side and we both promised to love each other unconditionally till our last breaths; and in the end, we were only able to keep that last promise.

because although we were both terribly damaged and desperately flawed souls, one truth kept us standing day after day: we loved each other. no matter what happened, we loved each other and we could never quit one another because our souls were so contaminated with this love that there was absolutely no hope of going back. the moment we met was when the universe decided that i was yours and you were mine.

our love... our love is the taste of pungent alcohol and acrid black coffee drunk at 3 a.m. when the sky is nebulous and the cosmos are hopeless. our love is the words you whisper to yourself when tears fall from your eyes as you stare into the abyss of oblivion that lays before your eyes. our love is the feeling of the stinging december winds rushing against your skin, leaving you shivering and aching for the feeling of warmth. our love is the fleeting moment of happiness you feel when it's a sunday morning and rain is pouring outside and you're curled up in your blankets listening to all your favorite songs with the one you love. our love is electrifying, our love is enthralling, our love is heart-stopping, our love is intoxicating, but most importantly, our love is unrelenting. it is unwavering and infinite and beautifully tragic in the worst possible way.

and that is how it will always be; we will forever love each other hopelessly and recklessly, and even if we break each other an infinite amount of times, we will never give up on one another. and our love may not be the most beautiful nor perfect love, but it is the only love i want. it is the only love i need.

this love is t o x i c — and it is everything that love should and shouldn't be.