Burning Side Of The Cigarette

Chapter three: His thoughts

Molly's Perspective:

-What took you so long?

I asked when he finally came back to his trailer. I've been sitting there on his couch waiting for him. It felt like it took him forever. His nose was bleeding and he had a cut on his forehead right above his left eyebrow. His clothes were even dirtier and his shirt was covered in blood. He was taking big heavy breaths.

-I made sure he was gone.

-Gone, gone where?

-Hell, hopefully.

I laughed. I couldn't even feel bad for Joe. I still couldn't get out of that moment and to be honest, he deserved every punch Eddie has given him. I was terrified. While waiting for Eddie, I re-lived every single second of it. I was frozen. I couldn't even walk in. Eddie had to drug me around. I was sitting on the ground on my knees watching them fight each other like dogs. Eddie was yelling swear words and begging me to stop watching it and just get back home but I wasn't listening. All I could think about was what would happen if he hadn't showed up. When he shut the door I came back to reality. He looked so tired.

-Come here.

I said and patted the cushion next to me, meaning him to sit. But he kneeled in front of me on the floor instead and squeezed his body between my legs. I held his hands softly and carefully because I didn't want to hurt him. They were also covered in blood. His knuckles were bleeding, there were cuts on them.

-We should bandage them, Eddie, they look-

He pulled his hands away from me. It was obviously a reflex to pain. Instead, he lifted his head up to look at my eyes and I felt lost in those deep black eyes.

-Don't worry about me. Are you okay?

-Yes I am.

-Are you sure?

-Well, I am better at least.

It was so sweet that he was trying to make sure that I was okay but he needed to be taken care of. I made a move to stand up to get something to clean his wounds but he pressed his body against my legs and pushed me down. I fell back on the couch. Before I even sat properly, he buried his head between my legs and started sobbing. His hair was dangling down from the edge of the couch. I was shocked. For all that time he was trying to comfort me, make me feel better while I was only focused on his physical pain. Never thought how he may have been feeling. And I wouldn't even realize if he didn't start crying because he never talks about his feelings. That's why seeing him cry like a kid on the floor hugging my legs like a little boy hurt me so much. I didn't know what to do. As an instinct, I hugged him back. Rubbed his back softly, and played with his hair.

-I was so worried, Molly.

It was so hard for him to talk. He was breaking down.

-When I saw you begging him like that.

-Shh, Eddie.

-And he wouldn't stop.

-I'm okay now...

He wouldn't let me raise his head up. It was like he was embarrassed to cry, embarrassed to show weakness. I felt so bad, so hurt inside. I leaned down, opened my legs and lifted his head up a little bit. I wiped away his tears while he was still looking down. I moved his hair from his face and gently patted his cheeks. I missed touching him, I missed feeling him. Seeing us back together made me feel so safe. I forgot about all of our fights. Seeing him like that was the worst pain in the world to me, worse than being without him.

I heard the bathroom door open and he came out from the shower with nothing but a towel wrapped around his belly. His face was all cleaned up from the blood. His eyes were even puffier because of the hot water, and all the punching and sleepless nights apparently. Suddenly, the whole room smelled like him. His cologne, his shampoo. It smelled like home. It smelled like us.

-I'm alright now. Do you need anything?

I had no hard time answering that question.

-Just you.

Eddie's Perspective:

She was sleeping like an angel. Her head on my chest. Her long hair was tickling my arms. Just watching her sleep was enough to make me mesmerized. I wanted to fall asleep with her but I couldn't. It's been almost two hours since she went off but I couldn't stop thinking. "You don't deserve her." I pulled the blanket above my legs and wrapped her with it. Everytime I breathed, her whole body was going up and down with my chest. I could stay like that forever but the guilt was eating me alive. It was growing inside me, feeding from the fact that she was right. "You cheated." I cheated. On her. She was right. Kate wasn't in my trailer just for talking. We didn't just talk. In fact, in the beginning we were. Then I got drunk. Just talking about what happened between me and Molly was enough to turn me into a lightweight. "It's not an excuse." I was feeling so guilty I couldn't make the deep thoughts go away. I was going through that memorie.

Kate took the beer can from my hand and got closer to me. My head was falling down like my neck was broken. I was staring at the cochons. Then she put her hand on my leg, I could feel her breath on my cheeks. Then she held my chin up and closed her eyes. She kissed me and I didn't stop her. I didn't even think what I was doing was wrong. All I wanted was to forget about Molly. Even just for a second, get her off my mind. I kissed her back. Just kissed. Didn't even move a muscle. She was using me just like I was using her and we both knew it. But the worst part is, I enjoyed it. I fucking enjoyed getting away from my feelings for a second. I fucking enjoyed cheating on her. But then she placed her hand behind my ear and started to play with my hair. It reminded me of Molly. And just about that time, I saw Molly and Joe approaching from a distance with the corner of my eye. What the hell was I thinking? I pulled away from her and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. She opened her eyes and stared at me. "What's wrong?" she said. She didn't seem bothered that I stepped aside. "This is!" I responded. And got up immediately. The instant regret I felt was unbearable. "You should go." I murmured and opened the door for her. She didn't say a word. She just left. If I knew Molly was going to show up I would never even invite Kate. And knowing that made me feel even worse. It made me realize that deep down I did it because I thought Molly would never know, never come back. That's when I doubted myself. How far would I go if she never came home? Would I try to make things right with her? Even though she was wrong, would I make that sacrifice? I felt disgusting.

And right now, thinking through it I realized I fucked up. All I wanted was Molly. All I needed was Molly. I kept running my fingers through her hair. They were so soft. So calming. But I was heating up. I needed to get some fresh air. I gently slid away from her and put a pillow under her head. Made sure she was warm and opened another beer. Got out and lit a cigarette. The noise the ashes made as they were burning calmed me down. I just wanted to fall asleep and make a fresh start.