Cyso's thoughts (Vent Book)

"Hate the Sin love the Sinner"(I Quit)

I think that quote fits well for my feelings about the studio I've been going to since forever. I don't hate the people, I can't for how long I've known them, but I hate how they do things and their actions.

(No hate to the Company or people mentioned, this is just my feelings, what I've noticed, and what's best for me to do. Not everything talked about is their fault, but things they could've handled better.
Some things mentioned could apply to many places but I've only seen them here from my experience. This is from the actor POV only too, not any Tech or helper stuff but they arn't the best with those povs ether from what I know.
Please tell me if any names where mentioned by accident, I want to keep things anonymous even if no one on my page knows who I'm talking about)

Context: I started theater with them in 3rd grade and was doing dance with them before that. They teach dance, theater, and sometimes do voice lessons.

Things always felt a little off I guess, but I never really noticed until recently. I remember them saying on my first show they cast partially based off of how nice people are. If that's the truth it didn't last long.

They don't deal with bullying well. During a show some people where being mean to me, teasing me and kinda mocking me a bit to where I was crying. What did they do? Defend the bullies. The only solution happened when my friend offered to swap places with me backstage.

It put a lot if emotional stress on me and others. I didn't notice this with other companies I've been with, but then again I have only done a few shows out of the company, but none of them had someone have a breakdown during rehearsals or shows.

During their production of Chorus Line they put so much stress and pressure on everyone. Everyone was having breakdowns and many rehearsals ended in tears. They didn't try to calm things down or give a small break or anything, only doing a small circle at the end of one-three rehearsals near the end being like "take some deep breaths, we know your all working hard and remember to take care of yourselves and get some sleep tonight." It might've been all they could do but it felt forced and a bit fake to me.

That show was a mess in general backstage and there's small things that happened that felt off too, but could just be nothing.
One example being: not telling us when lunch was/not telling us ahead of time. A lot of actors doordashed for lunch or called their parents to get food and one of the days they didn't give a heads up or time before lunch. That would be fine except it was a long rehearsal and they ordered themselves doordash :/
They also lied a little, the show being for 8th grade and high schoolers and saying 7th graders could only be ensemble, then adding three 7th graders to the main cast (They even told my friend who was in 7th at the time they couldn't do it because of age).

They did Moana with a mostly white cast. I know that other companies have likely done the same thing but it felt off.

They pick favorites and stick with them. Once someone joins the company and if they are imminently a favorite they always get the leads. You'll know who. They always get the same roles no matter what and most of the time those actors arnt the best for the role.
They don't have a choice in it ether and it's kinda thrown on them, I'm not hating the actors here but the directors.

The main thing that feels wrong though is what they do when you quit a show.
I understand that their talking it out and wanting to make sure it's not any sudden decision made for no reason and that their a business and quitting isn't good for them, but come on. Keeping a kid after rehearsal or practice to talk to them about why they dropped a show after saying infrount of everyone asking you to stay back doesn't feel good.
They did it when I was 11 for dropping out of a show during covid, and I don't remember much of that talk but I remember a lot of what happened when it happened during last spring. (It's a long story that could honestly get its own chapter but here's the basics) They do it every time someone quits or thinks of quitting. They held me after a dress rehearsal and I had to ask to change before taking. They held be back to talk because my sister dropped because of casting. My sister, not me. They thought I was going to drop after my mom and sister called them out in emails between them and the directors. I made my points and some they couldn't even defend, like favorites and Newbies/Amabs always having priority for casting.
They made me feel uncomfortable being held back by that. It was like being called to the principles office but the reason is what others said, not you. I didn't have a say in the conversions, it all happened when I was at school and wasn't connected to my contacts.
I understand why they did it but it made me uncomfortable especially cause I didn't ask to be put in the situation.

One thing I learned over my time there was to hope high, expect low. That way the disappointments didn't hurt as much. It usefully helps, not always though. It might not be a good thing to know but I think it's helpful for in the future if I miss out on something or don't get into something. Might not be a good lesson but it's one that works for me.
They never taught me it, but I kinda just picked it up and adapted it over time.

They weren't all bad though. They would do community nights every month on a Friday to have a party like event with games and food.
They would be there to comfort people sometimes when they needed it.
They had a strong sense of community, but I feel like their pride was their downfall.

So, I've quit. The directors don't know, my friends and former cast mates don't know, only a few people know. I'm not planning on going back.

When people asked why I'm not doing the fall show I've just told them I don't like that show or it conflicts with my schedule, and those are true, but the reasons mentioned previously effected it the most.

One thing that pushed me to take this decision though was the day before auditions for this falls show one of them messaged be asking if I'd be there after noticing I wasn't signed up. I made an excuse using the reasons above.
I understand they likely asked to see if I knew about the show or to remind me, but again, it felt weird to me.
I don't hate them, I don't want them to hate me, I can't say my reasons and the truth or else I'd feel guilty.

I think it's setting a healthy boundary for myself. I'm still going to do theater, taking after school classes at one of the high schools to do musicals and plays, and some people I know are doing those shows too.

I think this'll be a good change for me. Less of the stress pushed into me for shows, less pushing myself, less feeling guilty for nothing.

I've had enough and I'm not going back.