Sky and Tuck

Chapter 7

The Sun Is Bright, But My Heart Is So Dark

Sky

We're about to enter the church, I'm carrying Nell, and Colt is walking next to me holding my hand. The soft guitar sounds of Kell and Jake playing "Amazing Grace" drift back to me. I chose this hymn because my mom always said it was her favorite, I used to love it too, now it will always remind me of this horrific day.  The candles burn at the altar, the light shines through the stained glass windows, casting spots of color around the room on the walls and floor, the music is filled with happy memories and the sad present.

Walking up the aisle I try not to look at all the sad faces on either side of me, so many people loved my family, it's nice to see them here. I truly am in awe of all the people who knew my family, and they obviously treasure them just as much as I do.  I'm happy they are here, I just wish we were all here for a different reason.

"Up, Up, please Auntie Sky? I want mommy and daddy!"

Colt comes to an abrupt stop and pulls on my arm, I look down at his sad little face, he's trying so hard to be a big boy, but he doesn't understand why his mom and dad, grandma and grandpa aren't around anymore.  His eyes look up at me, questioning and sad.

"Ok baby, give me your arms, jump up sweetie, I love you."

I lean down so Colt can jump up on me, and I continue walking down the aisle, now with Nell on one hip, and Colt on the other, both of them have tucked their little heads into my neck, probably avoiding all of the sad eyes staring at them.

We arrive at the front pew, Kell reaches out for Colt and sets him down next to Jase, I sit next to Colt and place Nell in my lap. Looking down I see that Colt and Jase are holding hands, Kell and I softly smile at each other as we see the support that Jase is giving to his friend.  From up at the lecturn, Father O'Malley catches my eye and nods, and then we begin the saddest ceremony I've ever known.

Somehow, we've gone through most of the funeral, and it's now my turn to speak, and damn, but I am not ready for this. Taking several deep breaths, I try to gather my courage and calm, wish away my tears and I bend down and give Colt and Nell a kiss, then standing up, I turn to walk out of the pew when Nell reaches up for me.

"Please don't leave me Auntie Sky, can I go with you too?"

"Of course baby, come with me, jump in my arms sweetie."

"Me too Auntie Sky, I'm coming too."  Colt holds on to my skirt as we make the long walk.

Arriving at the lectern, I realize that I left my notes in the car. Fuck it, I'm just going to speak from my heart, I don't think I could read through the tears anyway.

"John and Mary, Tyler and Rachel were all very lucky people. They died too early and left their loved ones long before they should have. But they left three people who will treasure their memory for as long as we live. They filled our lives with love and kindness, respect and honor, taught us to be people of character and depth. Nell and Colt are just like their parents, they're beautiful and kind, brilliant and bold. Though their parents weren't here nearly long enough, in three short years they created two amazing people who will grow and carry on the legacy that their grandparents started.

I've always considered myself a fortunate person. I had parents who loved me, and I adored them in return. I had a brother that was my hero and a man I treasured, he brought me Rachel, a woman who in every sense of the word was my sister. Then they further blessed my life by giving me Nellie and Colt.

So, while right now my heart is broken, I still consider myself lucky, I will always consider myself to be lucky because I have an amazing family in Nellie and Colt, and our lifelong friends Kell and Mel Holloway, along with his parents Brad and Cora.

So together we are all going to love and support the beautiful family that my parents and Ty and Rach gifted us, thank you all for joining us in celebrating my amazing family.

Please don't leave here with hearts leaden with sadness,  but hearts heavy and full of love for the time we got to spend with these special people.  Thank you for all you've given to my family, we love you all." I walk back to return to the pew, carrying Nellie, with Colt leading the way. Sitting back down, I now have both kids in my lap, my arms wrapped tightly around them, I'm leaning into them, smelling their sweet baby scent, cuddling them close and trying to hold off my tears. Taking a deep breath, I look towards the stained-glass window to my left and there, in a brooding shadow from the pillar, leaning against the wall, is a ghost from my past.  A ghost that I can't remember the last time I thought of.

Tall and dark, wearing an immaculately pressed black suit, shirt and tie, his head full of dark messy hair and darker eyes with black bags underneath them stare at me with a broken and sad expression. I don't know if I've ever seen him with such a heartbroken look on his face. If I still knew him, like I used to, I think I'd know what he's trying to communicate to me right now. We used to have the ability to know what the other was thinking, to respond by just looking at each other. Our brothers called it our "voodoo mind fuckery". It feels like he's sending me love, closing my eyes, I breathe in and I feel his love invade my body, trying to give me comfort on this cold and heartless day. Opening my eyes, he's still staring into me, we both give a soft almost-there smile, acknowledging the moment of comfort he gave me.  I'm surprised that we can still do this, though probably he just gave me a smile, no voodoo mind fuckery.  Whatever, I can't give a second of thought to him.  There was no time or space for that man before the accident, and there sure as hell isn't room for him now.

"Jase says mommy and daddy are in those things up there, are they really in there Auntie Sky? Can we let them out? I want them to come home with us, I miss them!"

Colt begins talking softly, his voice gradually picking up volume, Nell starts asking questions too.

"Remember guys, we talked about how mommy and daddy are in heaven now, let's walk up to the altar, and we can send them kisses and loves up to heaven in the sky. We can't see them anymore with our eyes, but if we close our eyes and open our hearts, I bet we might be able to feel their love, ok?"

"I wanna send them love to heaven Auntie Sky, can we do it up by the flowers? Mommy said we can talk to God in church, and if he's in heaven and so are they, let's talk to them now?"

With that, they jump off my lap and head for the altar, I hustle after them and grab a hand from each. We kneel before the urns, my arms wrapped around both of them, holding them tight and secure.

Colt starts first with a very loud voice.

"Mommy and daddy, I hope you hear me all the way in heaven, I love you, Auntie Sky says you are there now, not here with us. I wish you were here, but I'll take care of Auntie Sky and Nellie. I love you. Now it's your turn Nellie, if you want them to hear you need to talk real loud."

Nell takes her brothers words to heart, and speaks even louder than he did.  It's basically a yell, which causes me to smile a bit through the sadness.

"Hi mommy and daddy, I don't like that you're gone, please come back soon. But Colt isn't the boss of me, I'll take care of him and Auntie Sky too. I love you too, so much, more than stars and cupcakes. Good night."

Squeezing the twins tightly in my arms, my eyes can no longer hold in the tears, they are flowing down my cheeks, if I wasn't broken before, I certainly am now.