Sky and Tuck

Chapter 10

Tucker

The funeral is done, the reception is over, the guests have left, but the ghosts are in full attendance.

The ghosts of the family we said good-bye to today, the ghosts of childhood Sky and Tuck, the ghost of the man I used to be, and whom my family still mourns.

It fucking sucks to see my mom and dad watching me throughout this whole tragic day, watching and waiting for me to guzzle back a couple bottles of oblivion, maybe smoke up in the back yard, pop some kind of zone out from life pill. Because this is what I've done to them, they only have the experience of the adult Tucker Holloway as a complete and total fuck up.

Zero confidence in the words I've told them, the words I believe.  Because their experience with me is that I'm a lying, drunk and drugged out loser. As much as I want them to see and hear me right now, I have to show them, prove to them, that I am again, someone to love and trust.

One of the most painful parts of the day, was the fact that Sky didn't seek me out. Not by searching for me, talking to me, looking to me for support. I have been such a non-entity in her life for the past 5 years that I don't really even exist in her day-to-day reality anymore.

Before I left on that first tour, we had wordless communication. We knew and understood how the other one thought and felt. For me that hasn't changed. I see her struggle with being strong, putting on the game face for everyone else, especially the kids. I still know her heart, see the grief and feel the shock she's still trying to process.

There were a few moments today, when I felt her curious eyes on me, looking to me, almost to ascertain that I was still here, that I hadn't once again disappeared on her. At those times, when our eyes met, she'd quickly look away, as if embarrassed she'd been caught. I'm gonna work to get her to look to me for support and love, confirmation that I'm here now, and I'll be here forever.

I swear to fuck I didn't realize how far away my family had slipped until today. I'm a fucking stranger here, with only myself to blame.

It blows my mind to realize I've been gone 5 years. Gone physically, gone mentally, gone emotionally. I still feel like the 18 year old kid that left for the worldwide concert tour. I still love my family and Sky. For the past 5 years I've loved Sky, always knowing that we would be together when I was ready to break away from the drug and sex fest. I thought I was just keeping her in the background, until I was ready to man up and claim her.

Jokes on me though, because she didn't wait alone and patient in the background. Sky kept living and growing, maturing and seeking out a new adult life and the experiences that go with it. According to my family and her social media, she graduated college, had best friends and boy friends, fell in and out of love, worked and lived in a world that I was absolutely no part of. And the evidence shows she didn't just live, she fucking thrived.

I'm a selfish fuck. I thought I could have all the super easy sleazy sex and still end up with the woman of my dreams. I almost lost the chance to get my girl. But I know we're still meant to be together, I just have to show her I'm back, and I'm serious about taking back my girl.

Grabbing a cold bottle of water, I head into the back yard, and find myself climbing up the rickety steps to our old tree house. Sitting on the landing, I look down to see my brother crossing the yard and heading over to me. He raises the beer in his hand and tips it to me, asking if I want one. I hold up my water and shake my head. Climbing up the creaky steps he pauses and asks,

"Um, dude, this is safe right? I mean I'm not gonna break these steps and fall down, it's like about 100 feet right?"

"Only about 15 feet you wuss, and I'm honestly not sure how safe they are. I don't think they've been checked out since they were installed, enter at your own risk buddy."