(This website was used for the jokes http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/worldsbestjokes.htm)
comment your favourite joke ;D
1. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
2. This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
3. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
4. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
5. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
6. A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
7. A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
8. Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
9. A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Stop! Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's time for useless facts! (This website was used http://able2know.org/topic/51633-1)
1. A snail can sleep for three years.
2. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
3. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
4. Pearls melt in vinegar.
5. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
6. Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.
7. It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.
8. Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
9. McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.
10. Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.
11. Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world's food supply each year.
12. 25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.
13. 26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.
14. The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.
15. Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.
16. The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.
17. American adults have been educated for the longest time.
18. The ten most generous countries are all in Europe.
19. 72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day.
20. Two-thirds of the world's executions occur in China.
21. For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
22. Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century.
23. Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine when it was initially introduced.
24. Acorns were used as a coffee substitute during the American Civil War.
YOU ARE READING
The book of cool pointless facts
RandomDid you know the most favoured day for suicide is on Mondays? No? What about slugs have four noses? NO? Have you heard that really funny joke where-YOU HAVEN'T??? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON! QUICK QUICK QUICK READ THIS BOOK NOW! Phew! And to think you w...
