The book of cool pointless facts

jokes and quotes

71. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed! I thought they didn’t work!

72. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn’t find any.

73. A sandwich walks into a bar (God knows how…) the barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here,”              

74. A mother was helping her son with his maths.

“You have seven friends and two dollars. You give a dollar to two of them but none to the others, what do you have left?” She said.

“Two friends,”

75.Little Johnny was listening to his parents arguing and heard his dad call his mom a b*tch and his mom called his dad a b*s*a*d. He asked them what it meant and they said it meant ladies and gentlemen.

The next day he heard someone on tv say dick and tit, so he went to his parents and asked them what it meant. They said it meant coats and hats.

That night when his dad was shaving his face he heard him say sh*t and he asked what it meant. He said it was his new shaving cream. He went downstairs and his mom was cutting turkey. When she accidentally cut herself she said f*ck. He asked what it meant and she said it was something she said when she cut herself.

The bell rang and his grandmother and grandfather were there. He said “Hello b*tch and b*ast*rd, hang your dicks and tits on the rack. Dad is upstairs getting sh*t off his face and mom is in the kitchen f*ck*ng the turkey,”

76. John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

77. Little Johnny asked his teacher “Do hearts have legs?”

The teacher answered “Why do you as that?”

Little Johnny said “Yesterday I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs,”

78. A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

79. Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars, and I thought to myself ‘where the heck is the ceiling?’

80. The only reason people get lost in thoughts is because it is unfamiliar territory.

81. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

82. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

83. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

84. I didn’t trip; I attacked the floor ninja style!

85. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

86. If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the up button.

87. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

88. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

89. Girls are like phones…Love to be held and talked to, but press the wrong buttons and you will be disconnected!

90.  Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

91. He who laughs last didn’t get it.

92. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

93. The man who smiles when something has gone wrong has someone to blame it on.

94.  The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me the key back!

95. The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

96. When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.

97. Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose beauty-they just simply move it from their faces into their hearts.

98. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

99. The only thing constant in life is change.

100. Kids...You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk, then spend the next eighteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.