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Funny Jokes!

Funny Tweets!

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I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol & see how many people act wasted.

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

School is pointless! English? We speak it. History? They're dead, get over it. Math? We have calculators. Spanish? We have Dora

We live in a world where pizza gets to your house before the fire engine

How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Maltese, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.

*Walks into room* "Why am I here?" *Walks out of room* "Oh now I remember"

Does this dress make me look fat?".NO, it's the fat that makes you look fat, don't blame the dress

You're so lazy." "No, I'm not. I've been converting oxygen into... carbon dioxide all day."

('-') (._. ) (· - ·) ( ) ( ._.) ( ' -') Oh, excuse me. Just lookin for a f*ck to give.

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so when I forget them, the computer will say "your password is incorrect"

Tell her she's 'beautiful' instead of 'hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success

Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.