The Fallen Angel And The Demon In Green

Chapter 7: Absolution

Agony, the word that could condense the days that followed.

I retreated to my room and have been sulking here for days now. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm just waiting for the storm to end. It should cease any day now, according to the calendar. Probably, once it does, I'll hear the loud whipping of the front door, and Zoro will be out of my life as quickly as he came.

Maybe it's for the best. I'd guessed that he would probably hate me once he figured all out, so, in a way, this is a shortcut. The original plan remains the same; he goes back to his crew, and I complete my mission without distractions. Everything is fine. Except for the fact that I feel like shit for hurting him and letting him leave like this.

Of course, even if I tried to mend thing between us, I'm afraid my words don't hold any value for him. If I close my eyes, I can tangibly feel the guilt creeping through every corner of my body, crawling out from under a heavy rock in my chest, one that has been there for days. He's seen through me, all this time; every lie I've told him, he's detected its artificiality, so I don't think he'll ever trust anything I say again.

And even if he wanted to hear me out, how could I make him understand? There are no words to explain to Zoro that it wasn't me who wanted to give up on life: the Iris who wished for death died already, almost three months ago. She died the moment I met him, probably, already feeling hope rising in his every breath.

I will never have the chance to tell him that, before I fell in love with him, he had already saved me from myself. He showed me what I had been missing out. His friendship trampled on the old Iris's grave and gave birth to a life addict. It woke me up, in a way. It inspired me to take up the path I had planned long ago; to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations that life has to offer.

But it will have to be without him.

I've replayed the sequence over and over in my mind, living it a thousand times. That's all I've been doing these days; I go over every word we said, always shedding hot tears as a result. I can't get over the rage in his eyes, the utter disgust when he looked at me. I regret terribly everything I said. I could have defused the situation, if I had kept calm and tried to explain, if I had apologised there, maybe.... But no. I had to play the prideful brat card. And now we are in this limbo, staying as far away from each other as the structure of the house allows.

Saphir would know what to do. She would hug me until I calmed down and then scolded me in that motherly way. She would force me to apologize to the man and confess my feelings; "You will never forgive yourself if you don't" she would say, or something along those lines.

A laud sigh shares my sadness with the bedroom. I'm already missing him, and he hasn't even left the house. What I wouldn't give to have it all back.

I wipe away the tears that lately lodge persistently on my cheeks and slowly get to my feet. I head for the door, hoping that a long hot bath will calm me down a bit. Before I reach the hallway, however, I close my eyes for a moment, trying to focus. In the darkness, I see the familiar aura of Zoro lying on the couch. The coast is clear.

Knowing he's so close makes my heart shrink a little, but I walk down the hallway in silence and slip into the bathroom, ignoring the pain.

-----

The swordman heard the door close and the water running. She is having a bath again, he thought. Zoro knew that it wouldn't happen, yet he stayed with his back to the wall, longing to hear her voice once more.

Only the sound of water greeted his ears, though. She hadn't sung since the fight. That was a tragedy in itself, he pondered. Another one for the list. Then there was the absence of her company. And her laughter, that didn't fill the room anymore. And how the light in the place was dim compared to when she was around.