Life After You

Chapter 17

You know how when you're going through a lot all at once and in the past you'd have cutting as your coping strategy? I used to hide a blade in my desk somewhere right at the back of where I keep my books. I remember at times when I really was struggling to find the blade with the amount of books burying it inside, I'll start scraping my wrists until I get a hold of the blade.

Well, in the present, a few months ago actually, I've decided not to make self-harm my coping strategy anymore because I was able to understand how that doesn't really benefit me but just destroys me. It's been months since the last time I've used a blade on my wrist but there were times when I thought of doing it. But thankfully, something in me stopped me from doing so.

For some reason, when things get overwhelming to the point where I've run out of tears, I run up to the balcony even when it's really sunny outside. I'd be burning but I'd still sit down and look up at the sky with closed eyes. It's not like it helped but being away sometimes helps.

"There you are" I gasp but sigh when I see my daddy making his way towards me, looking hurt quite a bit. I hate that I have this annoying reflex in me that especially when I'm alone or if I don't see anyone walking in the room, I gasp or scream. Even when it's just my family.

"Sorry"

"It's fine. What are you doing out here? It's so hot here" he says as a matter of fact.

"Hmm. I just wanted to be alone.." I reply

"You've been coming out here a lot." he points out. I look away from him scared that he might read me.

"It's just peaceful..I guess" I half-lie. He doesn't buy it.

"You know Isabelle, just because you're hurting you don't have to punish yourself. Not like this." he says. "Come on, let's go down" he reaches for my hand.

"No daddy" I refuse, shaking my head stubbornly, tears running down.

"Isabelle," he says disappointedly. I sigh at that and get up to my feet, following him inside.

Walking down the stairs midway I had to grip the railing hard as I stopped walking. I shut my eyes feeling a slight pain shoot through my head darkening my vision, my head spinning.

"Are you alright?" I hear my dad's voice from downstairs.

"Yeah, I'm good" I smile, taking small, slow steps down the stairs. I know what happened. I was having probably the hundredth blackout this year. I've never told my parents I've been having them, sometimes often but sometimes it comes once in a while because I have a feeling they'd want to see a doctor. I don't want that obviously.

That night I was having a hard time trying to fall asleep. I was tired but I wasn't feeling sleepy for some reason. I lay awake on the bed staring at nothing with open eyes until my eyes closed only to open again with tears rolling down my face, drenching the pillow.

I scream into the pillow when the nightmares I used to suffer going through every night at a point start to kick in.

Fire planting itself everywhere. Me being locked up with all these men circling around me with bloody weapons.

Another scene comes up where I'm stranded in a very scary forest-like place. Woods really. Wild and full of mist covering the whole area. I keep running through the mist-covered surroundings only to meet with a ghost. An evil ghost. I don't even believe in them to begin with but the settings feel so real making me feel all those horrible emotions. Being chased by some evil non-existent ghost.

Being tied up on a bed. A steel bed. Maybe metal. Being stripped in a smoke filled room with strangers.

"Isa-"

I literally scream my lungs out. Turning into a panting mess a millisecond later. Eyes wide, I see my sister, looking shocked, worried, her face turning into a deep frown.

"N-not-a-word. T-to d-daddy.." I manage to mutter between heavy breaths. I feel like I'm about to explode just by my deranged breathing and now how much I'm sweating even with the fan right in front of us, hovering over us.

She nods with tears in her eyes before jumping on the bed next to me and holding me close to her.