Matilda | Harry Styles

TWELVE

"Happy Birthday!"

I flinched, looking up from my bowl of cereal at the sudden chant before me. My eyes landed on Sarah, who stood behind Elin with a wide grin on her face. A puzzled expression crossed my own face, as I sat across from the pair of them.

Elin and I had met up in the hotel for an early breakfast that morning. Elin was somebody who tended to wake up early, anyway, and in my case - I hadn't really slept at all.

It wasn't like I hadn't tried. But the moment I'd gotten back to the hotel, into my own space, my mind was entirely occupied by Harry. Each time I closed my eyes, all I saw was him on the stage in front of me; his eyes fluttering closed, his microphone grasped between his fingers, "Do you think I'm cool, too? Or am I too into you?"

I hadn't had a chance to speak to him once the show ended. Even upon the finishing of this new song, I'd sort of frozen in place - unsure of whether to return to my main spot, where I usually would start off, or to try and shift myself back around to follow his movements for the rest of his set, accordingly. But I felt as if I didn't trust myself to move, unable to force everything that had just happened from my mind. What was that?

Harry was not interested in me. I knew that. That was how I wanted it - so why could I not stop analysing the entire events of that evening?

I wondered if it was deliberate, that he hadn't spoken to me after the show. Of course, it wasn't, he just had other things to do. As soon as we'd gotten onto the tour bus, Harry appeared to fall asleep in his chair; now wearing a baggy hoodie and some sweatpants, free of the extravagance of his stage clothes - he'd pulled his hood up over his head, and leaned his head against the window, blowing gentle breaths between his lips. With the way that his eyes occasionally flickered, and his arms would shift from where they were crossed over his chest, almost hugging himself, I wondered if he was actually asleep. But he had appeared tired as he'd stepped off stage, only to be whisked away by Stella and Ally to discuss something else he was probably supposed to be working on.

I'd called Grace as soon as I made it back to the hotel. It was barely the early morning for her, but, rather selfishly, I couldn't help it. I needed to speak to her; I needed to alleviate some of this weight from my shoulders, because at this point, my plan was going very downhill.

I'd known the pang of relief I'd felt in my chest when Harry had told me that what had happened between us, shouldn't have. I knew that although laced with a sting of rejection, deep down, I was relieved, and agreed with his words. I knew that preventing our relationship from spiralling any further; from growing any deeper, was by far the best option, for both of us, but I knew, most certainly, for me. I knew that I wasn't equipped to handle anything deeper, and that his suggestion for us to be colleagues, friends, and nothing more, was undoubtedly what needed to happen. But I couldn't shake him. I couldn't shake the funny chill that travelled along my spine when he said my name, or when he lay a hand on me to brush past, or the way my heart thumped when he looked at me with that thoughtful glint in his eye, or when he playfully tilted his head to beckon my responses to him. I knew from the second we'd laid our ground rules that the impact he was already having on me was far too great, and I needed to instill some more distance between us. But why couldn't I do that, fully? It was like I couldn't bring myself to properly force some space between us, because deep down, I wasn't sure I really wanted to. And that was anything but good.

I didn't know, really, what I wanted - I kept telling myself to stay away from him, and desperately tried to force these relentless, puzzling thoughts from my mind, but I couldn't do it. I'd never known somebody who kept managing to slip through the cracks, before; I'd never known somebody who I was unable to push away, due to my own head wanting to prevent me from doing so. I'd never known anybody like Harry.