Matilda | Harry Styles

THIRTY-ONE

I knew that for the sake of Harry and I's relationship, there were a million and one things that I'd been keeping trapped inside of myself, that I needed to confront. But it didn't mean that I wouldn't avoid doing just that, at all costs.

I feared I was making a mess of things. It felt like from the moment I'd met Harry, I'd only ever been able to give him half of the story; I'd only ever wanted to. But now, I feared it would be to our detriment. I'd never wanted to know someone so deeply, and to be with them with so much intensity, but to somehow maintain the mentality I'd always had, of keeping things at the surface level, where I felt safe.

It was beginning to hit me all at once. This wasn't me; I wasn't this. What I was building with Harry was not something I could've ever dared to envision for myself - every element of my surroundings, being here, in another country, with a boyfriend, in a relationship that I found myself actually wanting to devote my all to; none of that was able to co-exist with the person I was. I knew that, deep down, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to be aware of that fact, and I didn't want to admit it.

But Harry made me feel like this could be me, and this life could actually be mine. Being with him had changed so much, but as much as I wanted to believe that it had - it hadn't truly changed everything. I still wasn't able to share parts of myself, or to fully place all of the trust in him that he was worthy, and deserving of. I couldn't be as transparent as he deliberately was with me. Harry had confided in me - he, too, found it hard to trust, but he persevered for the sake of him and I. I couldn't even give him that in return.

I feared him growing to resent me because of it, but I couldn't behave differently. I couldn't open up, and I couldn't share the experiences that had made me the way I was - and on top of that, the more and more that I fell for him, the more everything felt like it was just spiralling further and further out of my control.

I'd had to let a lot of things go inside of myself to let myself be happy with Harry. It was like I didn't have a choice - it hadn't been an option for us to go on the way we were, because it wasn't enough. I needed to be with him, and we'd never have functioned sustainably if we hadn't given in when we had. In letting myself be with him, I had to accept that my emotions were taking the lead, rather than the rationality I had always believed myself to possess. It was entirely irrational, to fall for him, but I'd never have been able to stop it.

Harry made it easy to forget that I wasn't capable of being in love. The concept was a write-off for me - it always had been; it sent harrowing chills rocketing along the length of my spine; it made me genuinely uncomfortable. But Harry made it far too easy to underestimate just how impossible it all was. To be with someone, absolutely, was vulnerability. And every time I felt like I'd taken a step in the right direction, I was drawn straight back.

I knew I couldn't do it. I'd known from the day I'd realised that what I felt for Harry went beyond pure sexual attraction, that it couldn't end well. I was convinced that a relationship like the one I was now in, was the worst possible thing I could allow to happen, because I'd ultimately send it up in flames. I couldn't be the person I needed to be. I couldn't love him like he deserved to be loved. But against all of that, I'd fallen for him like I'd never fallen for anybody else.

Each day it grew scarier. Every time I instinctively leaned into his arms, or felt his lips press to my hair; it got worse. I was growing more and more attached to something that shouldn't have been mine. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy like he was. I knew he swore that I was, and when he did, I almost believed him - almost, but never in actuality. It terrified me that I now found myself in a position where I didn't even want to entertain the idea of losing him, but it felt inevitable. He'd leave, or I would. It would be a mess, and it would be entirely earth-shattering, and I needed to avoid it at all costs. I knew it was selfish, and I knew it wasn't fair, but I couldn't dream of walking away from him.