Matilda | Harry Styles

THIRTY-SIX

Travelling with Harry was no longer a point of unfamiliarity for me. I'd now travelled to countless cities by his side - I'd watched and photographed him as he pranced about the stage in all areas of the country. But this time, it was different.

There was an absence of everybody else, for a start. It was a little odd to not have Sarah or Elin by my side, laughing at something small, or Pauli bouncing around excitedly, or Ally pacing around on the phone. I even felt a strange ease at the absence of Stella and her glares in my direction, which I was sure would only be heightened in a situation like this.

I was going to miss the remainder of the band. I'd realised it, in particular, as I went to say my goodbyes to them all, earlier that day. I hadn't spent more than a couple of hours without seeing them all for two months, now, and they'd all become such a central part of my life. It was going to hurt to leave them behind, soon, just as it was going to hurt to leave Harry - it felt like I'd formed such a strong connection with each of them, and I'd come to value them all more than I'd have ever expected to. It was only a week until I'd see them again, but it still felt foreign to be travelling away from them all.

Everything was different, now, As I glanced to my side, there was only one person there, but I wasn't sure I could've asked for a company that was even able to compete with his.

Harry had rejected the assistance of his security team - politely, but firmly requesting that they didn't join us on this trip. I'd raised an eyebrow, surprised, when he'd told me such - I'd seen how persistent they could be in following him wherever he went, and I'd seen how much of a problem it became whenever Harry tried to dodge their companionship. He'd told me with a beautiful grin that he'd convinced them to hang back, promising them that he'd call and put them on the very next flight, if anything were to happen. I figured Ally might have played a role in convincing them on Harry's behalf, also, for I knew how stubborn they were - but Harry could be stubborn, too, and he'd won this round, it seemed - somehow.

Even in the airport, now, Harry was so much more at ease than I'd seen him recently. Throughout the tour, he barely ever let on that he was stressed, or perplexed - even with the recent, sudden adjustment of the stadium show, he'd kept his composure in the lead-up as best as possible - at least, when in the company of everybody else, but I knew the extent of the tour had been taking somewhat of a toll on him. It was an exhausting process, with constant travel and non-stop performance, interviews, rehearsals, amongst the writing I knew he was doing in the remainder of his free time, all whilst somehow juggling his time to make sure he and I could spend time together outside of the two hours he'd spend on stage in front of me every night.

I knew this week off was something he would desperately need to use to recover, and I couldn't help but feel so honoured that he wanted to spend that precious recovery time with me. I'd been flattered enough that he'd wanted to welcome me into his home, in California, but there was something about him wanting to share his favourite sanctuary with me that was hitting me so much harder.

As we stood in line to board the plane, his sunglasses on his eyes despite our indoor setting, a baseball cap drawn low over his face, and his hoodie hanging off him in an attempt to disguise himself as best as possible, I felt his arm snake around my waist, gently pulling me a little closer to him. I caught his covered eyes landing on me as he almost appeared to seek a reaction from me; a confirmation, of sorts, as to what I was feeling - if I was okay, or not.

His touch on me was far from foreign by this point, but I knew there'd been some underlying uncertainty between us, as of late, and Harry always remained apprehensive of pushing me too far. I felt so guilty for that; I hated that. There wasn't any time when I could comprehend wanting to reject his presence, but I knew he'd predicted my nerves about this trip. He knew it was a big deal for me, unlike anything I'd experienced with anybody else, before, and he'd urged me that it was no different for him. He'd never taken somebody he was with on a vacation - certainly, not to his favourite country.