Futile Wars

Prologue

I grew tired of hating Brendon.

Ryan

It's early October and I am sitting on a bench, waiting for Brendon. It's been over a year. A year and two, three months? Something like that. It's been a long time.
Don't hug him, I tell myself. It's too friendly. Keep a distance. Brendon doesn't deserve to be hugged, not after what he did. I laugh a little at my thoughts. Doesn't deserve makes me sound bitter. But I'm not bitter anymore. I hated Brendon for a long, long time and it wore me out. And when I forgave him I saved myself from drowning.
I no longer hold a grudge. Not at all, these days I am mostly just sad. I grew tired of hating Brendon.
What once were crimes and what once were betrayals is now just a boring, old narrative, full of fact and lacking emotion. Brendon got bored of me. He fell in love with someone else when we were still together. I mean, he never cheated on me, which is something I guess, but as far as an emotional affair goes... And in the end Brendon's guilt got the best of him and he told me everything. I still remember that day. I think he cried more than me.
After that we tried keeping it together for a few months, and that was the most miserable summer of my life. But he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was in love with that guy, Adam. So we broke up one day in August and that's the last time I saw him.
Brendon and Adam got together some time after that. I don't really know when or how and I don't really want to know. Brendon replaced me. He switched boyfriends: out with Ryan and in with Adam.
If I had done something wrong it would have been easier, but I never did anything wrong. Brendon just got bored of me, plain and simple. And it's taken me forever to accept that and move on. He fell out of love with me, but I was in love with him until the end and for a while after.
And here I am, 15 months later, waiting for Brendon. I can't help but wonder what the hell I'm doing. I look around and I still don't see him.
I swear that boy will be late for his own funeral.

Brendon

Cathedral Square. Goddammit, where is it?
When Ryan told me to meet him in Cathedral Square, 3.00pm, I had agreed. I thought I had known where it was. I've been to Vancouver plenty of times, having lived in Seattle all of my life, but I only went to Vancouver for gigs. Now, had Ryan told me to meet him outside any venue in Vancouver, I would've been fine. But now I'm lost and late.
It feels surreal that Ryan lives so close by now. During our relationship he was in Las Vegas and I was in Seattle and let me tell you something: long-distance relationships suck. We spent all holidays together, Christmases, summers, the lot. Not to mention we had plenty of phone sex.
The plan, our plan, had been for Ryan to move to Seattle to study and for us to move in together. But we split up before we ever got the chance. And from what I know Ryan dropped out after two years of college, took a year off and now studies in the University of British Columbia. He didn't come to Seattle, but he still came to the West Coast. Despite the fact that it means being close to me.
I ask for directions and luckily I am only a few blocks away. I head down the street and feel terrified and nervous at the same time. And slightly guilty. I shouldn't be here. My boyfriend Adam doesn't know I'm in Vancouver meeting Ryan. Hell, I never told Adam that Ryan moved to Vancouver. Adam only would have freaked out again.
Adam is at in Reno for the week, visiting his family and friends. And I'm sneaking to Canada behind his back to meet Ryan - the ex, whose name is not even supposed to escape my lips. But I've always been selfish and done what I wanted to do. Today is no exception.
My phone rings and I pull it from my pocket. It's Ryan. I immediately answer. "Hello?"
"Um, hi ya. Are you coming or not?" the voice at the other end asks. His voice sounds the same and it occurs to me I don't remember the last time we've talked on the phone.
"Yeah, I just got a bit delayed, but I should be there in five minutes," I say and it feels fucking weird talking to him.
"Oh good. Just wanted to make sure you weren't winding me up."
He thinks I'd agree to meet him and just wouldn't show up? He probably thinks I'm a complete asshole, but then again, that's what he's learned to expect of me.
"I'll see you soon then," Ryan says.
"Yeah," I mutter and we hang up. Ryan's voice. Wow. He still has a beautiful voice.
Now I remember. The last time we talked on the phone was in December. Fuck, we haven't talked once during this year. We talked every now and then after we broke up, because it wasn't like we were able to just stop dead. He was my best friend. But then as I got together with Adam it died. Adam didn't want me to talk to Ryan anymore and so I didn't. And I didn't tell Ryan that I had started seeing Adam, because I am a fucking coward. But somehow Ryan found out about us, because last spring he sent me a text that said that he knew and that I would never hear from him again. It seemed like a fair punishment, but I cried myself to sleep that night.
Then out of nowhere we found each other again. Ryan had said he wouldn't talk to me anymore, but he did. We talked online one time in June and he said he had forgiven me. And that he didn't hate me. That was 4 months ago now. I still don't understand why he was so good to me, maybe he pitied me. I don't know, but it felt good that someone had forgiven me for my mistakes. And then yesterday he emailed me, about something random. I sent him a song of mine back in June and he emailed to tell me he liked it. Took him months to actually listen to it, I suppose. And I replied and he replied and we kind of started email talking and soon enough we had agreed to see each other.
I have no idea what to expect.
I walk around the corner to a square. I stop and take a deep, nervous breath.
Okay, I can do this.
It's time to face the music.