Futile Wars

Chapter 10

He's losing it.

Brendon

Adam came home early. Christ, I should have known... there's no way I could have known. I wonder what he's doing in there. I deserved this. I deserved to be caught. Ryan stands next to me as we listen to the noise coming through the door. I think Adam is tearing the place down.

I need to fix this. I have to make this right. It's my responsibility.

I'm grateful to Ryan being here with me, but I know what I have to do in order to fix things.

"I think..." I start quietly, "I think you should go home now."

Ryan looks at me sadly. "Brendon... I don't want to go without knowing you're ok. This is my fault too."

"No, this is... this has nothing to do with you. Adam's never going to let me back in if you are still here. He might never let me back in any case, but definitely not... with you here," I say, "I need to make this right, Ryan."

I need him to understand why he has to go.

"But I- I'd want to..." Ryan starts but just sighs. He runs his hands through his hair and looks towards the door. "Yeah. I have to go."

Whatever dream world we've been living in these past few days has been destroyed. And however we justified our actions Adam's cries have destroyed all of our excuses. There are no excuses. It was wrong. I'd want to pull Ryan close, hold him, find some comfort in his arms, but I can't. This is wrong.

Suddenly there's a wall between us and I'm on my side and Ryan is on his.

Ryan clears his throat a bit. "Let me... let me know. That you're ok. I'll want to know..." he says. I nod.

"Good. It was... it was nice to see you again," Ryan says and saying it sounds very ironic as Adam's breakdown is still causing a racket inside the flat.

I don't want this, but it's not about what I want. It's not about what I need. I have to put Adam's needs first.

Ryan takes a step back. "Right," he mumbles. "I'll see you... around, I guess."

He turns away and starts walking down the stairs. Pain and desperation fill me, but I have to push it back for now. Not now, now is not the time. I watch him go, leaving me to my life without him, my life with Adam. And right now this is it: I've been kicked out of my own flat, because I'm a lying, cheating asshole, and my boyfriend who only deserves the best in life is a broken wreck because of me. And this is who I am.

I stand there by myself and stare in front of me. I need to talk to Adam. I go to the door and knock.

"Adam? Please let me back in!"

No response.

I knock again. "Adam, I know you can hea-"

I stop as I hear a sound coming through the door. I don't recognise it. It's Adam, but it's... a cry of pain. A muffled scream. And not like the others, not like his previous cries. This is different, more real and raw, more intense.

I panic. "Adam?! What was that? Are you ok?!" I scream and start bounding at the door, "Adam! Open the door! ADAM!"

But I hear nothing. No cries or sobs, just endless silence.

I need to get in there. I throw myself against the door, shoulder first, but nothing happens. I do it again, but only end up hurting myself. Fuck, I need something more, I can't break this door.

I run to the railing and start shouting. "Ryan! RYAN! Come back, we need to break down the door! RYAN!" I shout frantically, hoping to god he can hear me. I hear rushed footsteps and Ryan appears at the bottom of the stairs.