Futile Wars

Chapter 11

What it feels like to smile.

Ryan

I get nightmares. I get these horrible, dark nightmares, where I'm in Brendon's flat and I'm covered in blood. I try to get out, but all the doors are gone. I can't sleep. It's been a few weeks now and I still can't sleep. I haven't heard from Brendon since that night.

I've buried myself in work, which has helped. Even now I'm in the library, studying, and I am exhausted, and my eyes sting, but I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. Mark, who is also doing English Literature, is sitting by the same table. We also share notes and sit together in lectures occasionally. I'm concentrating on my work and I'm trying not to think of Brendon. Brendon.

"This might sound pretty random," Mark suddenly bursts out and looks at me nervously, "But I... do you have a boyfriend?" he asks.

"Oh. No," I say, wondering where he is going with this.

Mark grins and looks relieved. "Oh good. 'Cause like, I saw you with this one guy in one of the lectures a few weeks back... I thought that was your boyfriend. This dark and handsome looking bloke."

Brendon.

"Um, no. He, uh... not my boyfriend. Definitely not," I mutter. I don't want to think of Brendon.

"In that case," Mark says charmingly, "I'm asking you out."

My eyes shoot up at him, surprised. I didn't even know he was gay.

"Oh, thanks, but I-" I start immediately, but start thinking, but what? I'm single. Hell, I'm lonely. Mark is a funny, smart guy and I quite enjoy his company. He's hot. He's asking me out, what the hell is wrong with me? Is it Brendon? Well, here's a reality check: Brendon is in Seattle with Adam and I don't know if I'll ever hear from him. I don't know if I will ever see Brendon again.

You have to move on, Ryan.

"I'd love to. That sounds great," I say and smile shyly as I brush strands of hair behind my ear. Mark smiles even more and within minutes he's planned a movie and dinner date for tonight. It sounds great, at least I'm not spending Friday night alone again.

Once I get home I go for a shower and I don't think of Brendon. I choose jeans and a shirt and I don't think of Brendon. I put makeup on and I don't think of Brendon. I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if Adam's feeling better, if he's still in the hospital. I'm thinking of Brendon.

I abandoned him. I nearly killed Adam and left Brendon to deal with it. I walked away when Brendon needed me the most. Brendon is taking care of Adam, but who the hell is taking care of Brendon? He can't do it on his own... he needs someone. He needs me. But I can't. I'm not strong enough.

I have blood on me and I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've become a recluse. I work and hide in my room, barely talk to anyone. Well it has to change. It changes tonight. I'm going out and I will have a good time. And forget what I did. Forget Brendon. Just walk away.

Mark is on time and he sighs dreamily as he tells me I look gorgeous. When we get to the street he takes a hold of my hand and I let him. His hand feels different than Brendon's - Brendon has a musician's long, delicate fingers. But it's ok, I tell myself. I can learn to love the feel of Mark's hand. I can learn to have feelings for someone else, someone other than Brendon. It's ok. I just need time.

I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love him. No one. But it doesn't matter that I love him, because love doesn't move mountains, love isn't enough. All you need is love? Yeah right. You need more than that.

He'll forget about me. And I wish I could say I'll forget too, but I won't. Every single thing about Brendon has been permanently drawn into my mind, into my heart. I will always remember every single thing Brendon said to me, every expression on his face.