Futile Wars

Chapter 2

I never used to have to try to seduce him.

Brendon

"Why didn't you tell Adam you were going to see me?" Ryan asks after a while.

I hesitate. I was always able to tell Ryan everything, absolutely everything. Until the day I realised I had feelings for Adam. After that day I started a war I am still fighting: the desire to protect Ryan with my life versus the desire to always give him the truth. Even now, even though I have not seen him in a year, it feels like I can tell him everything, that we're as close as we were back then. Or maybe it's the alcohol that is starting to have an effect on me, who knows.

For this round the truth wins. I've lied to Ryan far too many times.

"Adam doesn't- I mean, he has- it's like he has this thing," I say and sound incredibly stupid.

"Thing?" Ryan asks and lifts his eyebrows.

"Yeah, about you. It's like he wants to pretend you don't exist. Or that we didn't exist. He just gets really jealous about it."

Ryan looks surprised. "Oh. Wow."

"Yeah," and all of a sudden I get the urge to confide in Ryan. "It's like, he's constantly comparing himself to you, you know? Never feels like he's good enough. And I can't even say your name without him bursting into tears or freaking out. So it's all 'don't talk about Ryan, don't think about Ryan, and don't talk to Ryan' all the time. Yeah," I shake my head, "I'm not allowed to have any sort of contact with you. No nothing, nada. Let alone go drinking with you."

Ryan looks rather shocked to hear all of this. "You seem surprised," I tell him.

"I just... I didn't expect that. I thought that, you know," he mumbles, "I mean, it's weird. That someone would be comparing themselves to me. I'm not special."

I look at Ryan as he sits next to me in the quiet pub, holding his half empty glass. He is gorgeous. He is the kindest person I have ever met. And he thinks he's not special. Ryan doesn't have a fucking clue how special he is.

The Ryan-or-Adam situation had been really fucked up. I had lied to Ryan that nothing was going on with Adam, that we were just friends. Adam had fallen in love with me and I had fed him lies too, saying that things with Ryan were not good and giving Adam false hope. Truth is, I just didn't want to let anyone down. Ryan or Adam. And I couldn't give either one of them what they deserved. So I ended up lying to both until I drowned in my own lies. I had to tell everyone the truth and became labelled as the asshole I still am.

When Adam and I got together I had already hurt him. He didn't trust me. I had already fucked it up and lied. But he loved me and Ryan was finally out of the picture. And maybe he wanted me so desperately he didn't care what I had done. And we've tried making it work, but god, he just makes it so hard sometimes.

Adam still makes me feel guilty that I lied to him. Little things he says, not really accusations, but he makes it clear he hasn't forgotten. I've begged and crawled and he won't let it go. And he just feels bad all the time. Adam feels bad all the time and it's apologies and tears all the time and it seems there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. And then there was that one thing a few months back, when it got really bad. But I rather not think about it.

"Adam just still hasn't moved on properly. About me lying to him back then," I tell Ryan.

It's funny, but I don't think I could talk about this with anyone else. Adam would just cry and yell at me, naturally, and my friends don't know what happened between me and Ryan and Adam. I feel too ashamed to tell people what I did. But Ryan knows and it feels good to tell someone.