made for you | billie eilish

1 | dear diary

** this is the sequel to my story, wish you were gay. if you have not read that, please do so before starting this one because you will be SO confused. k enjoy 🤍🤍 **

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"so," my therapist, dr. butler, started. "how are you doing?"

i sighed with a chuckle. "there's no way you're asking me that."

she chuckled. "well we can get straight to discussing your journal if you want. have you written in it lately?"

"yeah this morning actually," i nodded. "i got up at dawn and went to the beach to watch the sunrise while i journaled."

"oh wow. anything you wrote that you feel is worth sharing?" she rose her eyebrows.

"yeah i'll read it," i pulled my journal out of my tote and opened it.

i cleared my throat.

"it's been 364 days since i lost kaia. her birthday is tomorrow and i am not prepared in anyway possible. to mourn someone you never got to meet is an entire different feeling.

i keep her ashes in this sea locket necklace because of course, her name means the sea. i never take it off. i have it around my neck at all times so that she is physically on my heart.

everyone's been worried about me because they know the date is coming up. family and friends have been checking on me the last couple of days. my dad comes over every other day to see how i am.

i honestly don't know how i am though. i don't wanna face tomorrow. i really dont. i just wish she was here, i really do."

dr. butler nodded. "good. now, ready to talk about the father?"

i sighed and flipped to some pages in my journal where i wrote about him.

"i left LA 2 weeks after kaia died. i never heard from him after i left. which is fine," i shrugged. "we both felt like there was no point. i didn't even care to keep contact with him, considering he didn't even come to her memorial," i shook my head. "and he blamed me for everything."

"everything such as?" dr. butler cut in.

"losing the baby."

"who do you blame?" she asked.

"him."

"why?"

"he knew who i was when we ran into each other in london. he wanted to fuck from the jump but i didn't know," i started. "plus, him crashing the damn shower is what threw everything into havoc."

"do you blame just him?"

"well," i looked up in thought. "sometimes i wonder how different shit would've been if margie would've told me who he was immediately instead of when i was 7 fucking months pregnant."

"that's valid," dr. butler nodded. "anyone else you blame?" she rose her eyebrows.

i sighed. "me," i said quietly.

"why?" she tilted her head.

"because i could've told billie and avoided that whole chaotic situation," i rolled my eyes. "well it would've been chaotic regardless but maybe i wouldn't have went on a drive and got hit or maybe i wouldn't have lost my baby the day of my fucking baby shower!" i got loud.

she nodded. "speaking of billie," she started.

"oh dear god," i rolled my eyes.

"when was the last time you wrote about her?"