under control | cbg centric

02.

a/n: i just want to remind u that in this fic beomgyu has a disorder so please dont take any of this seriously. especially the comments about weight:)

a sob broke a silence in his room. beomgyu could faintly hear his members laugh from behind his doors. he hoped that the music he had on was loud enough to cancel the sound of his cries.

he was so tired of everything.

he was tired of being stuck in a cycle. every day he  avoided food as much as he could just to end up binging by the end of the week.

he felt disgusting. it wasn't normal.

"HYUKA STOP" he heard from the living room. it sounded like soobin and his joyfull scream that was followed by the sound of laughter . the rest of txt were having video game  tournament. 

the sound of everyone else having great time together while he was  innhis room, alone. beomgyu felt alone.

its not like they didn't ask him to join, they in fact did. but beomgyu just couldn't bring himself to join them. he didn't know how to act as excited as them.

another sob ripped out of his throat as he listened to his members laughs.  he felt like he couldn't breathe.

his head hurted from crying so much, red bruises and teeth marks decorated his right hand, they matched the color of his eyes.  quickly said, beomgyu looked like shit.

he couldn't stop thinking about the binge that happened few hours ago, he could still feel all of the food in him. he felt so fat and disgusting . with a sniffle he brought his hands and squeezed his leg with them, he felt disgusted. he promesed himself that he would  lose all the leg fat. yet here he was, stuffing his face with all the food.

he felt ashamed. how could he not. earlier this day his members went to get dinner together, they asked him if he wanted to come but beomgyu declined . he thought that he could be able to go the entire day without eating. he already didn't eat yesterday, surely he could last today as well. fool.

as soon as his members left, he notices the box of cookies that soobin brought. apparently his mom baked them just for them.

it wouldn't hurt to just eat one right??

he doesn't even know how he ended up here, with all the  ramen packages, the empty cookie box was mockingly looking at him. bowl that once contained cereals was resting in the sink. he doesn't even know how much of snack wraps were hiding in the bin. the thing is, he disliked most of the things he ate.

he was too busy with shoving fingers down his throat that he didn't hear the front door opening.  the only thing he heard was the sound of his gags, well that was until a loud "Who ate all of them??" brought him back to reality.

its not like soobins "well no wonder you have been putting on weight " was supposed to mean much. he was simply sad about beomgyu eating all of  the cookies his mom made for all of them.  yet the words kept stuck in beomgyus head.

he was putting on weight , he was getting fat.

another sob escaped his mouth. he kept on replying the scene in his head. he felt like shit because of binging, the guilt of eating all of soobins moms cookies was eating him alive and the fact that his bandmades were having so much fun without him didnt help.

they're so much better without u

beomgyu thought.

you know, maybe if u get skinnier you would take up less space, thats the least u could do for them.

and beomgyu couldn't argue with that, the voice in his head was right.

he made up his mind. no matter how hard it gets, he will lose the weight. thats the least thing he can do

a/n:

once again im here tk remind u that all if this is disordered thinking!! please dont take any kf this personal or anything.

also i write all of this from my personal experiences. ive been dealing with bulimia since i was 14 so really all of this just comes from my experience and it can look different for everyone .

anyways hope u enjoyed this chapter!!

~jupiter