under control | cbg centric

04

beomgyu have never thought that numbers would bring him comfort.  not this amount

he didn't really enjoy math while he was still in school, it bored him. yet there was something he found incredible comforting about numbers these days.

he found himself entertained by counting the rain drops on the window of their company car, it seemed more interesting than the conversation his members were having.

surprisingly he also learned to like the counting you do while learning new choreography. one two three four five six seven eight and one two three four... he found himself doing those counts in his head while listening to music often. he would imagine himself dancing to most undanceble (¿) beats.

he  liked watching the numbers on scale go lower and he also  liked counting the numbers of calories in his daily intake. it made him feel organized. his mind was too occupied with numbers to think about anything else. not caring for anything else than numbers felt freeing in some way.

he didn't have to think about the future, nor his mistakes in dance practices, about how he was lacking in singing and visuals. how all of his members seemed to improve in english except for him or how his company probably hated him at this point given from the lack of lines he gets every comeback.

non of that mattered right now, for now he had to focus on one thing; getting thinner. he would sort other things when he hits his goal weight. like all the people on the internet

beomgyu wanted to laugh really. never in a thousand years did he thought tht he would find himself browsing numerous eating disorder forums and spaces yet here he was. he had spent hours on those sites. reading threads after threads about super low call brownies or the most affective exercise. he also saw the millions of pictures of emaciated teens. beomgyu hated those, not because he thought they were disgusting but because he envied them.

in his eyes, those people had will power strong enough to get to their goals. beomgyu wished he could be as sick as them.

he would stare at their pictures for hours, counting every single rib that would show through their skin,it amazed him. he wanted to look like those people; he will look like those people.

beomgyu once again made up his mind, it didn't matter how many times he would fail in the past; not this time. beomgyu swore that he wouldn't slip up anymore. no more purging and definitely no more binging. how hard can it be to just not eat. others have done it so he can do it as well. he had to.

beomgyu wanted to look as sick as them. not that he knew why.  it just seemed right. the lighter he was, the less space he would take. if you asked him, he would surely deny it but in some way, he wanted to look as bad as he felt. if he looked half dead, his friends would pay more attention to him, they wouldn't be so hard on him and they would love him without any conditions. thinking this way made him feel egotistical, he felt like the biggest attention seeker. but he couldn't do anything with it.

beomgyu wanted to get sicker. he wanted to be proper anorexic. not a failure.

he just had to suck it up for long enough to reach his goal. how hard could that be ...