EO oneshots//1998//2022

I keep you with me

I got to thinking about the deleted scene of Olivia getting the mini badge and medal from Elliot after he left...it made me think about why he sent it, when he sent it, so here's that thought process
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It been almost 2 months since he left, since he packed the family up and moved to Europe. its been almost 2 months since the shooting..none of those truly matter because its been 58 days 8 hours and 3 minutes since he last saw Her, in the squad room, in panic, in confusion.  he stared down at a sliver cross necklace in his hand as his thumb ran over the grooves of the cross. Her voice filled his head

(Flashback, november 2008)

"Merry Christmas" Olivia said brightly with hands behind her back as she steped infront of him at the elevators

Elliot glances at her over his coffee cup against his lips, he holds up a second cup in his hand "merry Christmas...a month early?" He asked

Olivia takes the coffee cup "well I didn't know what else to call this" She said and held up a tiny wraped box  "other than, sorry you got shot but at least you didn't get eaten by tiger" she added

Elliot scrunches his brows slightly "whats this" He asked taking the box from her

The two walked over to the window sill and sat down, Elliot flipped the box around in his hands before lightly shaking it and waiting for her smile

"I just...I dont know why I got it, i just did.." Olivia said and nodded towards the box in his hand "open it" she added

Elliot chuckles softly as he opens the box, his eyes flinched slightly as he smiles at the silver cross necklace,  inside the lid of the box has "John 15:13" inscribed on it

Elliot recites the verse quietly "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends, John 15:13..."

"I dont know many verses in the bible, but that one seemed like-..like us, you know, we'd take a bullet for each other, Its our job to" Olivia said

Elliot  smiled "Liv..." he said

Olivia shrugs awkwardly "if you dont like it you dont have to wear it..or keep it, i can take it back" she said and watched him ran his thumb over the cross, she fights the urge to take his hand in hers "Elliot, I really respect your faith...I know I dont believe the same as you but I respect that it brings you comfort, and I hope someday I'll have that for myself but-i don't know, I just saw it and thought of you" she added

Elliot looks at her, his eyes shiny with small tears "thank you.. and you'll have it one day, i believe that" said

Olivia smiles as she bumps his shoulder with hers "you really don't have to wear it if you dont want to" she said

Elliot slips it over his neck "hey, you're my partner, for better or worse remember" he said

Olivia smiles "always" she said

(End of flashback)

Elliot clears his throat and slides the necklace on over his neck, he closes his eyes at the cold feeling it sent down his chest, he looked the mirror as he took a deep breath when he felt a hand sliding over his shoulder

"Kids are ready to go. you?" Kathy asked leaning her chin against his shoulder

Elliot nods "yeah.." he said as he buttoned his shirt up tucking the necklace inside

After church the Stabler family started heading out the door, Elliot told Kathy to go on without him, that he wanted to go to confession for "work stuff"

The confession booth creaked as he sat down and the priest slid the window open, Elliot took a deep breath

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been...a year... since my last confession. I am a proud father, a proud cop...but I'm not a proud husband, I'm grateful for my wife, she gave me 5 beautiful children, she loves me for all my flaws and I do love her but I can't turn my mind off...off of someone else, someone I abandoned, ran away from, all because I loved- because I love Her..in a way I should only love my wife. I thought i would be past this, but i just feel guilt, guilt for lying to my wife, but also guilt for leaving Her behind, for not telling Her why"  Elliot spoke quietly but clearly  "I am sorry for all these sins and the sins of my past life" he added 

"Have you committed physical adultery?" The priest asked

Elliot shakes his head "not in the literal sense, no, only in an emotional sense. She was my best friend, and I love Her, i wanted to be with her, be next to her, in every possible" he said as he subconsciously pulled the necklace out from his shirt "I miss Her, and more than anything, I miss the sound of Her voice" he added

"Divorce is a sin no greater than cheating in the eyes of the lord, do you still wish to be with this other women instend of your wife" The priest asked

Elliot nods softly "sometimes..most of the time actually" he said

"You need to let go, you made a vow to your wife, the mother of your children"  the priest said

Elliot fell silent, he shakes hid head "I dont think I can father, everything reminds me of Her" he said

"Then you must ask yourself what you think is right for you and for your soul" The priest said

Elliot gets back to the house, the kids were doing homework that should have been done before a school night, Kathy was in the kitchen making dinner, Eli was playing on the floor, Elliot stoped in the door way of the living room as he watched the tiny toddler play 

"Eli come here!" Kathy yelled from the kitchen

Elliot watched as Eli got up and ran into the kitchen, he would be lying if he said when he looked at the little 3 year old that he didn't think of Olivia, for the simple fact that he wouldn't be alive without Her, neither would Kathy. He clears his throat and heads up stairs

Once inside his room he takes a out a yellow bubble envelope and heads over to his dresser. He slides open the top drawer pulling out a glass box, inside he pulls out a gold semper fedelis medal, he slides it into the envelope before grabbing his old Mini badge, he slides his thumb over the numbers 6313 before  grabing a pen, he hesitated over the inside flap

"Liv, I'm sorry" he thought

"I'll explain someday" he thought

"I love you" he thought

Elliot shook his head and started writing

"Semper Fi, El"

He droped the medal into the envelope before stealing it up. Someday he'll explain, someday he'll tell her why, until then, he can only pray she doesn't hate him too much, he can pray that maybe he'll catch a glimpse of her in his dreams. That maybe when she gets this. She'll have the comfort of knowing he's okay and that's he sorry