EO oneshots//1998//2022

jealousy vs envy

many people believe “envy” and “jealousy” are synonymous, but to Olivia Benson, they're quite different actually. 

Olivia was Jealous when women would hit on Elliot while on the job, she was jealous when women fall into his arms, and when he would catch and care for them. She was jealous when they'd go out for drinks and the perky bartenders would laugh and touch his arm.

Jealously is when you feel threatened or protective of something or someone and fear losing it. 

but Envy?...

Olivia was envious of Kathy, she wasn't just simply jealous, she envied what Kathy had. she had him, his love.  she wanted what she couldn't have, Kathy had his kids, his last name, his vows.  that's the difference. She knew with most women she was only scared of him leaving, but with Kathy, she knew he was already gone.

She didn't hate Kathy, not once. she wanted to be her, she wanted to be the one Elliot would go to sleep with at night, and wake up to in the morning. she wanted to look into her children's eyes and see him. Maybe that's why she never had kids of her own

___________________________________________

Jealousy is what Olivia felt as she heard the words "surprised I hadn't heard from you" said by the pretty immigration woman. She saw Elliot freeze trying to figure out how to answer. She glanced at him as nonchalantly as possible also completely shocked.  Then he spoke  "I got back together with my wife" and Olivia felt like the wind was knocked out of her just as Elliot glanced at her for a moment

"Oh good for you, hoped that might happen"

Olivia hears her voice return to the task of why they were in the immigration office to begin with but she's not paying attention. He dated during the separation, of course, he did. But what does it say about her that he never even attempted to see her as a woman outside of work, she's a single, attractive, so why did he go clear to immigration for what sounds like one date..or at least a quick hook up.

_ _ _

Jealousy arose in her again when she came back from Oregon. The pretty blonde sitting her desk made her heart sink. Hearing her say "im his partner, Dani Beck" made her blood boil. No you're not, im his partner, she thought

Olivia brushed it off and excused herself to the Captians office, maybe he can give her a sense of direction considering she feels like her head is spinning

"I can switch back, but its gonna take some time to find her a new home" Cragens voice rang out while Olivia was laser focused on the new duo outside his office. She watched him lean down to talk to Dani yet the only thing Olivia can focus on is how Elliots not longer wearing a suit and that he's bigger..buffer, wider

She turned back from the window "no, don't, im not ready to come back, that's what I came to tell you"  she lied...she was ready but what she saw outside the windows had her inching to bolt, again. So she did, she headed towards Cragens second door

"You're gonna leave without seeing Elliot?" Cragen asked

She gave a pathetic excuse and stalled in the door way, still staring out the window "dont tell him I was here" she said before she left down the hall.  she tried to just move straight through but her eyes got the best of her. She stopped briefly by the doors and saw Elliot sitting on the side of her desk, leaning close to Dani, whispering. Cragen referred to Dani with finding her a new home...what he doesn't understand is that Dani has Olivia's home

_ _ _ _

Jealousy grabbed ahold of her again, multiple times when they were undercover. When they pretended to be married to get into the swing set was one of them. It started off fine, hearing him say "this is my wife Olivia" sent chills down her body, a sense of comfort in the words. She reminded herself it was job and that's what she should be focusing on, which she was, but when Cassandra asked to talk Elliot to another room the thought of them in private, doing god knows what, had her a little on edge, especially hearing what Leila and Scott had to say about Cassandra and Doug from a previous night.

_ _ _ _

The feeling of Envy, that's a much deeper feeling, it felt like a burning, gnawing feeling in her gut, with jealousy it was over as quick as started but Envy, it stuck around, for 12 years it stuck around. Envy is what she felt every time she would see Kathy Stabler.

She felt it every time Kathy would visit, when she would see the quick kisses in the precinct, the small moments by the elevators. She felt it every time Kathy would bring the kids by.  every year Christmas cards being sent to her was like another blow to the stomach and  as much as it hurt,  she loved them, she loved seeing the kids grow, she loved seeing how much they look like him.  she often wondered if it brought Kathy comfort whenever Elliot was away, to see his face in her children. Olivia didn't have that, on the brief times Elliot was apart from her, she didn't have a tiny human to look at and see him. She had memories, photo's, but that was all.

Once, years ago, they had a long case, no one was sleeping, they were at each other's throats, Cragen told them to split up for a bit and when Elliot turned around Kathy was waiting, watching. She didn't speak to Olivia, she just left with Elliot but that Envious burning feeling arose in Olivia. She threw herself back into finding a new lead while Elliot went off with Kathy and the twins, she came down the hall just to see their hug and quick kiss, for a second she hesitated but finally spoke up

"El, we got a lead" she said quick and ran back to the squad room, within minutes he was back with her, the anger and frustration she felt while they were screaming at each other has faded away

_ _ _

Olivia, tried to ignore the envy, push it down and  contuined to help Elliot with his marriage, she often took the late nights, she covered for him to sneak out for lunch, help him with any advice he needed

Till finally, one day after a few spats of disagreements, Olivia followed Elliot out to the hall, asking what was going on with him

"Kathy left me" he said quietly, only for her

Olivia's heart broke for him, it really did. Now she'll never admit this but a part of her was excited, briefly the thought of "what if" crossed her mind

_ _ _ _

Her Envy struck again, in the courthouse, waiting to be questioned, she watched Elliot pace the floor, check his watch, pace again. When she asked she immediately regretted it

"Kathy's pregnant" he said

His words rushed through her, made her heart sink, her ears buzzed for a moment "I didn't know you were back home" she said trying to not sound disappointed

She lost all hope that day, in that moment. Whether she took a chance or not he was never gonna leave Kathy now, now like this

That was the last time she allowed herself to feel it...untill 10 years later

_ _ _ _

Standing outside the glass doors,  in the hospital hallway that same burning, gnawing feeling arose. she told herself it was just sadness, it was heartache for the situation she was whitenessing.  but in reality, she was once again, Envious of Kathy Stabler. here Kathy was, on her death bed of all places and is completely wrapped in the attention of Elliot, he's tending to her bandages, holding her hand, caring for her, and here Olivia was, watching.  She shook her head and walked away, she knew feeling this now was wrong, selfish, maybe a little disrespectful. It wasn't that she wanted to be Kathy in this moment, not this time at least, it was that she's reminded she still doesn't have her person, she's reminded that God forbid if anything like this should happen to her, who would take care of her?

So again, Olivia pushed it down, pushed the burning feeling away to be there for her old friend and his family.
_ _ _ _

However, all this to say, Olivia's too stubborn to realize she got every part of Elliot that Kathy, Dani, or Cassandra never had, she had his protection, his focus, his entire mind.  she refuses to believe it but she was that man's whole world, she was everything to him...still is