MONDAY June 1, 2020
House no longer smells like armpit, it smells like cat pee. Culprit is Char. He apparently read I Could Pee On This: And Other Poems by Cats and reprised it as performance art. Here's the libretto:
I could pee on your bed,
Just missing your head.
I could pee on the stair—
Ha ha, you stepped there!
I could pee in your boot,
Oh, what a hoot!
I could pee on the floor,
And there's so many more
Places to pee—
I love being me!
TUESDAY June 2, 2020
COVID, Trump, police brutality, incontinent cat, back pain... life is so stressful! To chill out, have been using CBD oil. Today, dropper comes up empty, so slug down what's left in bottle. It is a lot more than expected! Spit it out or swallow it? Duh, swallow it. CBD oil ain't cheap! Three hours later am like totally wasted, man. Someone put THC in my CBD! Anti-looters?
WEDNESDAY June 3, 2020
Despite terrifying night tripping my ass off, wake rested and hopeful. Maybe tragedy of Floyd murder will spark real change. Listen to Biden speech that is coherent and thoughtful. Back hurts less than usual and I walk two whole miles! Then get home and find cat shit on stairs. [Bleep]! What hope is there for a peaceful world when I want to strangle my own cat?
THURSDAY June 4, 2020
Hardware store clerk not wearing mask. He says chewing cinnamon bark is better than mask to ward off COVID. Hmmm. Wonder if eating cinnamon buns will work as well? Cinnamon is an anti-oxidant and so is dark chocolate, so bet Lindt bars will protect against COVID, too. And potato chips, since we're practicing wish-based medicine here. And pizza.
FRIDAY June 5, 2020
After initial COVID book drought, library is inundating me with material. Can barely keep up! Take break from reading to dart out and get mail. Short trip, no mask. Straight woman I don't know starts chatting as if we are acquainted. Uh, what? Realize she thinks I am Jules! OMG, it's true! All lesbians do look alike!
SATURDAY June 6, 2020
Sampling from recent posts on Nextdoor:
Neighbor: WHAT WAS LOUD EXPLOSION SOUND FRIDAY NIGHT?
Me: WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING? Are you afraid it's rioters from Minneapolis?
Neighbor: Why is there a line of people in front of Walgreen's?
Me: Why are people in line in front of our intact and functioning Walgreen's that was not gutted by fire and looting? I don't know, but why don't you stop and find out if you care so much?
Neighbor: Urgent Alert! Power outage!
Me: Why is this an alert, much less urgent? If my power is out I already know it, and if it isn't, why should I care about yours? Tell the power company! Or are you worried it's rioters from Minneapolis?
SUNDAY June 1, 2020
Know Char is peeing outside box, but don't know which cat is leaving fecal deposits on stairs. If only there were an at-home DNA test kit to find the perpetrator. Wait, I could invent one! I'll be rich! Hmm. First have to learn molecular biology. Think there's a YouTube video on that?
YOU ARE READING
OMG: A Journal of the Pandemic Year(s)
HumorIt's 2020 and the pandemic has hit! OMG! If you're reading this, you've survived. So far. Now you need a laugh, or two, or seventeen. You need OMG. Join our hapless hero as she copes with the global impact of COFEVE-19, faces off monoliths and the T...
