You're not alone

Part 23

"You- you want to admit me?" Meredith asked confused, sitting up a little straighter on the bright red couch in Dr. Bloom's office. "Yes, I think that would be the best for you." The therapist replied, writing something down in his notebook. "But- you can't do that I don't want that." Meredith countered shakily, horrified of the thought alone.

"Meredith, we're not getting anywhere here, you're not talking enough, you're not opening up enough. Jolene told me that you had an episode so don't deny it, but when I asked you if you had any panic attacks or if there was anything else that had happened the past week you said no. And if you lie to me about your wellbeing then therapy has no use. So, I think that admitting you to a mental hospital that is specialised for teenagers like you will help you find a way you can open up about your feelings." Dr. Bloom explained, placing his pen and notebook on the beside table and leaning forward towards Meredith who was now looking at the floor.

"Therapy is useless." She muttered, not sure whether she wanted him to hear it or not. "No, therapy isn't useless. Listen, therapy can only help you if you start talking, if you open up. You've been in treatment with me for two years now and since to you it still feels as if it's not helping at all we'll have to intensify it. And since you're not opening up to me I think you should try talking to some other therapist, Dr. Wyatt or Dr. King for example. But since you've been obviously dealing with a lot lately I think it's best to admit you for a week or two for intense therapy sessions and try different kinds of stimulation and things like that."

"No. Not happening." Meredith replied, her voice shaking badly as she grabbed her backpack and jacket and ran out of the room, through the corridors until she was outside where she took a deep breath to calm herself down as she was on the edge of tears. They couldn't admit her, they just couldn't do that. It would only make everything worse.

She started walking down the street, almost running but not wanting to look to suspiciously so that every time she would walk past someone she would slow down a little. Her perseverance also wasn't the best and with her prosthetic leg it wasn't that easy to walk fast yet even run so that after a while she was out of breath and in pain. Slowly she walked over to a nearby bench, dropping onto it, her backpack tightly clutched to her chest as she looked around. There weren't many people around and it looked as if she was in some kind of alley, a park maybe. Actually, she hadn't really taken into account where she had been running so that now, she had no idea where she was what made her panic.

Yeah, panic was the right word, panic had also been the reason she had ran away. And now? How was she supposed to get home? How far had she been running? Why didn't she know where she was? She couldn't ask people to show her the way, definitely not. She had to call Jolene.

Still breathing extremely quickly she pulled her phone out of her backpack, realising that it had died. "Shit!" she hissed, internally punching herself for forgetting to charge it over the night. More tears ran down her cheeks. The only way she could find back home was to try to get back to the clinic. So, she stood up and started walking back into the direction she had came from but at the next corner she realised already that it had no use. She had no idea where she had come from.

"Why am I so stupid why did I have to run away! God!" she cursed herself, leaning against the wall of a bakery. "Oh dear, why are you crying, did you get lost?" Meredith suddenly heard a voice and as she turned towards the direction it had been coming from she saw an old lady with a rollator, looking at her with a smile. It took her a few seconds to calm herself down enough to answer. She was terrified and her brain was telling her, shouting at her to just ran away.

"I- I f-f-i-ne." she stammered before turning around and running, disappearing around the corner. She kept walking for what felt like hours but could have also been just a few minutes. Everything was so loud and bright. There were so many people and cars where she was now and since she was so little she was being constantly pushed around by them. Unknowingly she started chewing on her nails in order to calm her nerves since she was still crying and trembling terribly and her brain didn't seem to see another way to stay focused on continuing to walk.

Slowly the sun started to set and the amount of people and cars only got more. Meredith was so overwhelmed that she soon started to not being able to hear anymore. Which was a good thing. The past few hours everything had been so loud that this silence felt like a hot cup of tea when you have a sore throat. It helped her calm down and she started to think straight again. She still didn't recognize where she was but it seemed as if her brain had started to work again and suddenly her attention got caught by a sign saying 'Grey-Sloan-Memorial Hospital - 1 mile'. Extremely relieved Meredith took a long and deep breath, everything was going to be okay again since she now knew where the hospital was, she knew how to get to her old house from the hospital and from there she knew how to get to Andrew's.

Quickly whipping away her tears she started walking in the direction the sign told her to go, hoping she would soon get home since it was starting to get cold and Jolene was probably wondering where she was. And Andrew? Would he be worried? Would he care? Or would he be happy to get rid of her? Maybe she wasn't supposed to get back there. Maybe all of this had happened for a reason. Maybe it was a sign that she shouldn't get back there, that she didn't belong there.

And then she suddenly started to walk slower until she stood still, frozen on the spot. Did she even had somewhere to go? No, no, no, those stupid negative thoughts were the last thing she needed right now. As she stood there, she also started to get more aware of the noises around her again, they were getting louder and louder until everything was so loud that she had to cover her ears. What the hell was wrong with her? Also, her eyes started to get watery again until multiple tears quickly rolled down her cheeks. Her knees felt weak, her legs hurt, her head hurt, everything was too loud and she was freezing.

And then everything was gone, she felt something wrapped around her, something warm and familiar. Very carefully she opened her eyes and since her tears made everything blurry she had to blink a few times in order to see something. Jolene. The warm thing wrapped around her were Jolene's arms.

She saw her mouth moving but somehow she couldn't understand what she was saying since the noises of all the other people around were too loud to understand anything at all. So, she just closed her eyes again and hugged her mother back, trying to forget about everything around her by just being held by someone who cared about her.