You're not alone

Part 26

The next morning Meredith was the first to wake up. She felt awful, as if she had ran a marathon yesterday. Her left leg hurt like hell as well as the rest of her body that was just stiff and sore. Her eyes felt extremely dry and her throat was slightly scratchy. She was so tired. No, she was beyond tired, she was exhausted. Very slowly she pushed herself up, trying not to wake Andrew while doing so. It was so silent in the room that it felt as if there was a lot of pressure being put onto her ears. Looking around the room she remembered why she was here and what had happened yesterday. Dr. Bloom wanted to admit her to a clinic. A mental health clinic.

Leaning back against the cold wall she looked down at Andrew who was still asleep. He didn't have those problems. He wasn't close to being admitted to a hospital. And she was glad that he wasn't because she wouldn't wish anyone what she was going through at the moment. She actually had no idea herself what exactly this was what was happening to her at the moment. Nowadays she got overwhelmed by literally everything. All the time she felt anxious and to her it was as if no one on this planet understood her. Not even Andrew. She had been so relieved when he had come to her room yesterday to take her with him and that he had let her sleep on his lap and later in his bed. She was thankful for that but- still... he didn't understand her the way she wanted him to understand her.

And at the same time she was still terrified of what would happen if one day he wouldn't want her to live with him and his mother anymore. What if they would kick her out and make her go to a children's home? Then she would have no one. What if she wasn't enough for them and what if what she had done yesterday only proved that she wasn't supposed to have a family, that she didn't deserve a family since she was constantly disappointing them. She was worrying them and concerning them. What if she was just- too much to deal with- a burden. What if she was a burden to Jolene and Andrew and they would be happy if she would go to a clinic.

Then they wouldn't have to deal with her for a while. But what would happen at this clinic? What would they do to her? Well, there wasn't much to lose for her. Except Andrew and Jolene. She was scared to be a burden to them but at the same time she needed them. Jolene was her mother and Andrew- she loved him, she needed him. Looking down again she watched his face. This boy was her safe place. He had saved her from her bullies so many times and he had saved her from her mother by taking her in. And Jolene, she was her mommy and she couldn't lose her. She needed those two people in her life because they were all she had. She had no one else to go to, no where else to be then here. This was her home but- it was still Jolene's and Andrew's home and if they wouldn't want her here anymore she would be an orphan. Completely alone and having no one to rely on.

She slowly crawled over to the edge of the bed, putting her prothesis back on and walking over into her room, sitting down at her desk and opening her sketchbook. She needed to draw a bit to clear her head while there were still a few tears she only noticed now, that were rolling down her cheeks. She ended up painting a sunset with the acrylic paint she had gotten for her birthday this year. She loved sunsets because they were just so- beautiful. And somehow they made her forget about everything around her, all her fears and problems and everything else that was on her mind. While watching sunsets all those voices in her head stopped screaming at her and she could live in peace at least for a few minutes.

And it was just the same with drawing and painting. While she was hyper focusing on pretty much everything around her every second of every day of her live the moments where she was drawing her mind was entirely blank. And she really liked that feeling because it was like a break for her. A break from her overstimulated brain and its constant desire to drive her crazy.

So, completely focused on what she was doing she started drawing another sunset, not even noticing that Andrew had walked into the room until he pulled up a chair next to her, watching her as she was drawing. "Looks good." He said, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Thanks." Meredith mumbled, not looking up. "Are you feeling a little better?" he asked, watching her finish the small painting. Meredith just shrugged, not sure what to reply since she wasn't feeling better but didn't want him to worry. "Do you want to talk about what happened? Mom didn't tell me anything." Andrew continued, hoping she would open up to him.

Meredith stopped in her tracks, not knowing whether she should tell him or not. Suddenly her mind was racing again and all that calmness the sketching had brought along was gone. She started bouncing her leg up and down while shakily turning to another page and starting the next drawing, hoping Andrew wouldn't ask again. "You can tell me Mer." He said instead, making her even more nervous. She couldn't tell him. She was embarrassed about how she had reacted yesterday and how stupid she had been for running away. And she also couldn't tell him about the fact that Dr. Bloom wanted to admit her to a mental health hospital. Because she had no idea how he would react and just since there was the possibility of him deciding to leave her she didn't want to talk about it.

"Meri?" he asked softly, gently placing his hand on her leg to stop it from moving while hoping to be able to calm her down a little by doing this. But Meredith didn't reply. She was scared. She didn't want to be alone. "Mer you can talk to me about it. I promise I won't make fun of you." He added after another few seconds of silence.

But he could make fun of her. He didn't know what was bothering her so he also couldn't know whether he would make fun of her or not. She didn't want him to see her like everyone else did because that would mean that she would be alone again. She didn't want to be alone.

They sat in silence for a while, neither of them saying a single word. "No matter what it is, you don't have to tell me. You can tell me when you're ready okay? I won't make you talk about something you don't want to talk about." He said, making her smile internally. He was her Andrew. He was amazing and he wouldn't leave her alone right? "It's not as bad as you might think. I guess. I think that- that he's just trying to help. And m-maybe it would be good because I- know that- maybe I- that I uhm." But she stopped, not continuing her sentence. This stupid mind block was starting to get to her. Every single time she would prepare a perfect sentence in her head as soon as she would start speaking her brain would just quit in the middle of the sentence so that she would start rambling nonsense. She sighed, looking down a little embarrassed. "Take a deep breath and try again Mer. It's okay." Andrew said, smiling at her encouragingly.

"Dr. Bloom said- that... he wants to admit me to a clinic for a while." She whispered. "Be-because apparently I'm making no progress in therapy." She added slowly, focusing entirely of getting the sentences out right since this was important. "And- when?" Andrew asked, not showing any kind of reaction.

Was it because he wanted to get rid of her? Was it because he couldn't wait for her to leave? "I-I don't know, I'm sorry." She said, a few tears welling up in her eyes. "Why are you sorry?" he asked confused, trying to look her in the eyes. "For being a burden." She mumbled tiredly, closing her eyes. "No Meri, you're not a burden. You could never be a burden to me. I love you too much to even be able to think of you as a burden." He said without thinking about what he was saying. "What?" she asked, now looking up at him, meeting his now watery eyes. "Uhm- I love you Mer I- I always loved you. Be-because you're just amazing and- you're the most perfect person on this planet to me. And I love you." He said, smiling at her happily. Finally he had been able to say it. Finally his secret was out.

"You- what do you mean?" she asked, still not understanding what he was saying. He chuckled at how cute her confused face was. "I mean that I love you in a way people in a relationship love each other. I love you in every way possible." He explained, hoping she would finally understand his feelings for her.

And then a smile appeared on her lips. "I- I love you too Andrew." She said, suddenly feeling a weird feeling starting to spread in her stomach. And all of the sudden she was enveloped in Andrew's arms, her face pressed into his neck as she wrapped her arms around him as well. "Everything is going to be okay Mer, I promise. And even if you have to go to that clinic I will still love you when you come back. I will never stop loving you, no matter what will happen." He said, rubbing her back comfortingly as he noticed how bad she was still trembling.

Closing her eyes she now smiled even brighter. She was okay, or she would be okay. And she wouldn't be left alone because she had Andrew. And Andrew would still love her, even if she would be admitted to that clinic.